I Dream of You Bathing In Stardust & Moonbeams

The Fox & The Little Prince

Taming the Fox; from the Little Prince

“Please-tame me!' said the fox.

'I want to, very much,' the little prince replied. 'But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.'

'One only understands the things that one tames,' said the fox. 'Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me.'

'What must I do, to tame you?' asked the little prince.

'You must be very patient,' replied the fox. 'First you will sit down at a little distance from me-like that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day...” 

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I did not know....

“I did not know how to reach him, how to catch up with him... The land of tears is so mysterious.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

“People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for...

They don't find it," I answered.

And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince





“You're beautiful, but you're empty...One couldn't die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass, since she's the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

“It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Brendan's Great Love For Dougie Rodrigues

Brendan talked endlessly about his buddy Dougie Rodrigues
A brilliant Chef. He so much looked forward to going back home
 to see D. R  and ask him to cook him up a meal.
 So this post is in honor of  Brendan
and Dougie's friendship.

A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning’, by John Donne

‘Therefore, although I must physically leave you,

our souls don’t feel there’s any distance between us:

it feels more like an expansion,

much as when gold is beaten out into thin sheets

so it covers a greater area.




Or it’s like a pair of compasses,

where you are the one in the center

and I the one which circles it:

you stay on the same spot,

yet you still move, since you revolve

as I move around the perimeter.

(What’s more, the compasses are two in that they’re a pair,

but they’re really one, since they comprise the same one instrument.)




So this is how you will be to me,

as I move away from you:

you will remain here but move aslant in line with the direction I travel.

You remaining here enables me to travel in a perfect circle,

ensuring that I’ll end up right back here where I departed from –

back with you.’




Explanation of the poem ‘A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning’, by John Donne

Jimmy Kent Tribute to Brendan

your one wild and precious life?

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the field,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

~ Mary Oliver (American poet, b. 1935), from “The Summer Day”

How Do You Help A Grieving Friend?

Recipe for Raw Grief

Hippie Pants....

There Is No Such Thing As Time; He Is Here Somewhere...

No One is Saying the Right Thing to Me Today

No one is saying the right thing to me today. All is cliche, western culture crap. The “positive movement” that has overtaken us. If one is feeling anything that is not positive or doesn’t make you feel good then you are misinterpreted as a downer, a victim. One who brings sadness & hardship on oneself. It gets tiresome. I touted that belief system the past few years as well, so I get it. I’ve always been afraid of my own despair, long before cancer last year, long before Brendan was killed.

Everyone seems so afraid of sad emotions, emotions of grief. The usual comment is, “Well this will probably make you stronger.” I wonder where that comment/idea came from? Is it some biblical reference? Although when reflecting, I would agree that so many of my hardships in life prepared me for the series of traumatic experiences this year. I’m not sure it makes much of a difference. Aside from the fact that I’m not completely paralyzed from grief as I had been in the past.

My responses to Stupid things people say when someone you love dies. I’ve just had too, too many in the past 2 days! By the way; these include comments from Doctors, nurses, coworkers, old friends, new friends, acquaintances. Here’s a list of my responses, now you guess what their comment was:  

1. We didn’t break up dummy, he DIED.
2. Well maybe I don’t want to fall in love again.
3. If it makes you “stronger” than why is suicide one of the 10 leading causes of death in this country?
4. No I’m not suicidal.
5. Yes, I’m sure we should all be more careful when we cross the road.
6. I KNOW there are a lot of things to be grateful for in life.
7. The Bright Side of Life? That was a Monty Python Song Right?
8. No need to practice your Bible verses on me.

 





The comment from the doctor today was just not the right thing to say at all. I simply went in to have my wrist evaluated because I had injured it over a year ago. I hadn’t been able to keep all of my appointments so I simply informed them about the breast cancer & the radiation and infection. I simply informed them about Brendan so they didn’t think I was ignoring the need for follow up treatment. The doctor’s response in regard to Brendan’s accident was, “people don’t look out for cars, they just walk right out in front of them.” Well, yes, maybe so but that isn’t the right thing to say to someone who less than 6 months ago lost their sweetheart because a car struck him down. Beside my son, my favorite guy on earth was hit and died from his injuries! The doctor’s response is just SO wrong! It just isn’t the right thing to say.





I ran into an old friend of mine the other day. At some point she suggested that I’ll fall in love again….Bad timing. Maybe I don’t want to fall in love again! Or an email response in which the friend assumes that I’m making things worse on myself. That maybe I’m just being very negative. And the nurse today, “There’s always something to be grateful for.” All of these comments are true but it’s not the proper response.



What is the proper response. Here’s an idea.





“Im so sorry.” “Gosh it hurts my heart to hear this.” “Do you have support set up?” If you are a friend you could say, “I’d like to call you. Is there a certain time that works for you today or in the next couple of days, or the next week?” As a close friend if the person turns you down, give it a few days and call. If they aren’t in the mood wait a couple of days and call again. If not then, give it a week and call again. If this is your friend, a friend that you think is important to you, keep in touch routinely. Don’t wait for them to call you….they can’t. They don’t know how. They don’t want to bother you with their grief and pain. They fear rejection at the most vulnerable time in their life. Keep in touch, don’t ignore, don’t let too much time pass before you get in contact. If too much time goes by you will feel worse and worse about not calling them to check in. Yes, it will be awkward to call them after time has passed by but do it anyway. Wouldn’t you want someone to do it for you?





That same friend that you are supporting in their grief will be there for you when you need support. That’s the kind of friend you want. The kind of friend who has gone through hell and knows what suffering feels like. They’ll most likely know what to say and how to support you. So pick up the phone. Offer to bring them food, pay for a massage gift certificate (one that doesn’t expire too quickly) and mail it to them in a “thinking of you” card. No stupid Hallmark sayings either. Just a blank card on the inside except for a sentence or two.

Love & Death

Love and Death


They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.

Death cannot kill what never dies.

Nor can spirits ever be divided, that love and live in the same divine principle, the root and record of their friendship.
If absence be not death, neither is theirs.
Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still.
For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent.
In this divine glass they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure.
This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because they are immortal.


William Penn, from More Fruits of Solitude

Death is but a crossing...

Poem: Death Is Nothing At All

DEATH IS NOTHING AT ALL

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!


~ Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918,
Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

The Truest Thing About Brendan

E-mail Exchange between Brendan's Mum & Me:

For years I've felt that Brendan was on this earth for a purpose greater than being son, brother, friend, lover. There was a purpose far beyond my imagination and probably not fully known by him but a force that drove him to be the person he was. It linked both his outward personality, his interaction with the world and the way he connected with others, and his inner spirit that gave him such bad dreams. I felt when he was sleeping he was processing not just the battle within himself but carrying the problems of many others in his subconscious.

This all may seem quite pretentious and highfaluting, hey, what do I know. But that's just my sense of things.

Thank you for sending this my way Wendy. It helps a lot.

Love,

C.

Wendy McMullen <mcmullen@ucsc.edu>	7:35 AM (5 hours ago)
to Corinne

I could also sense this about Brendan. I think the most helpful part of my personal grief over Brendan, is that I feel at least one person really understood the private workings of Brendan's inner life and accepted him completely.  And that is you Corinne.  (Luckily he knew that)  I've said this all before in a myriad of ways.  

I had truly followed my intuition when interacting & just "being" with Brendan.  I guess you could say, I let my love and my own "inner compass" guide me with Brendan (or maybe it was the "mother ship"  guiding me). Brendan was endlessly fascinating and captivating to me.  I was thinking how many roles he played in my life. This has only really come to me after reading quotes by CS Lewis referring to his wife Joy Davidman.  So I model some of the following descriptions after Lewis.  

Since Brendan has left us in physical form I feel that he is bigger than ever in my life.  We are coming up on the fourth month of his physical absence and I've had time to reflect on the emptiness I feel, and where that emptiness is for me. Or as CS Lewis says, "the amputation". However, for me the "amputation" is not in one place. It's in different parts of my life, my human cells, and my character. All have been disrupted.  

Brendan was my co-pilot. my first mate, my friend, my lover, my kid brother, my troubled child. He expressed frustration and anger about the world so that I didn't have to.  He showed me how to follow my true self (no matter how outrageous) and not apologize for it.  (Aside from my children) He was the most beautiful being I've ever met in my life.  

Everyone says the same about their fallen beloved so it sounds cliche. But for me it's the truest statement that I know for sure.  Brendan was a magical being, he was one of kind. There was no one like him before he arrived and there will never be another like him on the planet again.  I somehow have to find peace with that. 

CS Lewis inspired and help put words to what role Brendan was in my life. This is his description of his relationship with Joy Davidman after she died.

She was my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign; and always,

holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress; but at the same time all that any man friend (and I have good ones) has ever been to me. Perhaps more.

C. S. Lewis

Brendan: You Are In My Heart, In My Soul, In My Cells Now...

CHANGE OF ADDRESS

You didn't die
you just changed shape

became invisible
to the naked eye

became this grief

it's sharpness
more real

than your presence was

before you were separate to me
entire to yourself

now you are
a part of me

you are inside my self

I call you
by your new name

'Grief...Grief! '

although I still call you
'Love.'

~Dónall Dempsey

Grief

Understanding the Unexpected Aspects of Grief...

Women and Men Tend to Grieve Differently

Read more about at grief

It's Been 4 Months

Poems That Comfort Me In The Night

Love Sonnets

by Pablo Neruda

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:

I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands

To pass their freshness over me once more:

I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.

I want your ears still to hear the wind,


I want you to sniff the sea’s aroma that we loved together,

To continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live,

And you whom I love and sang above everything else

To continue to flourish, full-flowered;

So that you can reach everything my love directs you to,

So that my shadow can travel along in your hair,

So that everything can learn the reason for my song.

Nothing Gold Can Stay
by Robert Frost
Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower; 

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could
.
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair. 

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there. 

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
.
In leaves no step had trodden black
.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,
 and I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Death is Nothing at All
by Canon Henry Scott-Holland
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away
into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you
have always used to.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of
solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at
the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Let my name be ever the household
word that it always was, let it be spoken
without effect, without a trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Elegy for Your Absence
by H.R. Hays
In that moment you sailed for all of death,
Into profound oceans of silence
With long hours of sleeping pupils,
And a flock of doves caught in your dreams.
Now you are already in distant moonlight,
More yourself than in the arrows of your golden clock
Where you reckoned such a shoreless moment
For the thirst of wings that was burning on your shoulders.
You shall have vaulted seas stared at by inquietude,
Abysses in the timid solitude of your absence;
And in the night you shall have been delicate warm breeze
Close to that crumb of our amorous earth.
Long embrace of breath over the poppies
And a laugh and a song without words or music;
With a “Here I am,” glad of past wakefulness,
And a “forever” warm in the cool plain.
As you leave pressed in the arms of silence
The light of our words shall echo more clearly
And in each stanza of air an accent shall be entangled
And in each butterfly more wings shall be born to you.
Gladness of being alive for that eternal day,
Knowing yourself in the water, in the sun, and in the grass.
Among the clouds you shall make nativities of silver
And you shall discover your nest in a tree of stars.

Brendan's Glasses Were So Much Apart of His Identity to Me.....

I've suddenly become hooked on Gaelic Lament Songs or (keening). My grief therapist mentioned keening to me during my second appointment with her. I finally remembered to look it up on YouTube the other night. I have to say that these lament songs are even more powerful than the Buddhist & Hindu Mantras and Prayers I've been using in rituals for Brendan.

Here is a link to a 6 minute YouTube video explaining keening.

If you're prepared to cry, here are a few songs that have been the most cathartic balm for my aching heart. The music draws the sadness and pain out, through the intense melodic mixture of high  and low notes. It's the most amazing expression of therapeutic grief that I've ever experienced.  It hurts to listen yet it also helps. These songs speak so deeply of my pain. The cells of my body resonate to the melodies. (Must be my Great-grandmother from Ireland coming through).

Song of Keening by Aine Minogue

Mo Ghille Mear (My Gallant Hero)  I'll list the lyrics at the bottom of the page. Both incredibly heartwarming and heartbreaking.
 
Caoineadh Cu Chulainn  (Lament for My Son)
Lyrics:
Aye laddie are ya goin now?
Are ye goin' now?
Will you stay awhile?
Kin of my faint & flickering heart,
And spend a moment with me.

Yes, I know.
Time has been clipped
and you are set free.
But for just a moment
Would you sing of
Caoineadh Cu Chulainn

Sing like Davey.
Capture my longing
and know that I too
wish to return to my home

The water flowing here
will carry you back to
the home you left by the sea.
And there you will wake
in the long morning and
come to know.

Oh laddie,
Are you goin' just now.
Can't you stay awhile longer?
Sit and we will share the last
golden drop of the wee
dram that is you and me.

Mo Ghille Mear (My Gallant Hero)

Lá na mara
Lá na mara nó rabharta
Guth na dtonnta a leanadh
Guth na dtonnta a leanfad ó
Lá na mara nó lom trá
Lá na mara nó rabharta
Lá an ghainimh, lom trá
Lá an ghainimh

(The day of the sea
The day of the sea or of the high tides
To follow the voice of the waves
I would follow the voice of the waves
The day of the sea or the ebb tide
The day of the sea or of the high tides
The day of the sands, the ebb tide
The day of the sands)

Can you feel the river run?
Waves are dancing to the sun
Take the tide and face the sea
And find a way to follow me

Leave the field and leave the fire
And find the flame of your desire
Set your heart on this far shore
And sing your dream to me once more

'Sé mo laoch mo ghile mear
'Sé mo Shéasar, gile mear
Suan gan séan ní bhfuair mé féin
Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear

(He is my hero, my dashing darling
He is my Caesar, dashing darling
Rest or pleasure I did not get
Since he went far away, my darling)

Now the time has come to leave
Keep the flame and still believe
Know that love will shine through darkness
One bright star to light the wave

'Sé mo laoch mo ghile mear
'Sé mo Shéasar, gile mear
Suan gan séan ní bhfuair mé féin
Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear

Amhrán na farraige
Ór are na seolta
Amhrán na farraige
Ag seoladh na bhfonnta...

(Song of the sea
Gold on the sails
Song of the sea
Sending the melodies...)

Lift your voice and raise the sail
Know that love will never fail
Know that I will sing to you
Each night as I dream of you

'Sé mo laoch mo ghile mear
'Sé mo Shéasar, gile mear
Suan gan séan ní bhfuair mé féin
Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear

Ag seinm na farraige
Ag seinm na farraige
(Playing the sea
Playing the sea)

Seinn... Play...

'Sé mo laoch mo ghile mear
'Sé mo Shéasar, gile mear
Suan gan séan ní bhfuair mé féin
Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear

Gile mear, the wind and sun
The sleep is over, dream is done
To the west where fire sets
To the gile mear, the day begun

'Sé mo laoch mo ghile mear
'Sé mo Shéasar, gile mear
Suan gan séan ní bhfuair mé féin
Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear

'Sé mo laoch mo ghile mear
'Sé mo Shéasar, gile mear
Suan gan séan ní bhfuair mé féin
Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear

Ó chuaigh I gcéin mo ghile mear
(Since he went far away, my darling)

Amhrán na farraige
Ór are na seolta
Ag seoladh na bhfonnta
(Song of the sea
Gold on the sails
Sending the melodies)

Songwriters: Paddy Moloney / Sean Macreamoinn

Links to Publications About Brendan

Santa Cruz Sentinel Article  &  San Jose Mercury News
http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/sports/20180222/brendan-leung-1976-2018-skateboarder-remembered-for-longevity-style-disregard-for-physical-pain

https://www.mercurynews.com/2018/02/23/pro-skateboarder-brendan-leung-remembered-for-longevity-style-disregard-for-physical-pain/

From Confuzine: Skateboard Magazine:
http://www.confuzine.com/2018/02/08/r-i-p-brendan-lai-wing-leung/

Skately Library
http://skately.com/library/people/brendan-leung

Transworld Skateboarding
https://skateboarding.transworld.net/news/brendan-lai-wing-leung-rest-peace/

Asphalt
https://www.asphaltyachtclub.com/blogs/news/brendan-lai-wing-leung-rest-in-paradise

Reading About Coping With Grief

I believe that the most powerful book about grief to date is: "It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" by Megan Devine

I've underlined almost every page of this book and listened to it again and again on Audible. So I will inevitably keep quoting it. Like I'm about to right now:

"Creative practices can help you deepen your connection with that which is lost. Death doesn't end a relationship; it changes it. Writing, painting, and other creative processes allow the conversation that began in life Before to continue in life After. The stories we create are a continuation of Love." pg 151

Barter for My Heart

Life:  May 2017-2018

Life,
Two things were taken
From My Chest this Year,

A chunk of cancer from
my right breast,
And a chunk of my heart
from the left.

Life,
Could I barter another
piece of myself
For the return of my heart?

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

...if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 
without leaving mine.




An "altered" Pablo Neruda Poem For Brendan (inspired by the title:
Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held him in my arms
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him To feel that I have lost him.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without him.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
The night is shattered and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

My sight searches for him as though to go to him.
My heart looks for him, and he is not with me.

He was my North, my South, my East and West

Funeral Blues
by WH Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Another "Letting Go" Ritual

This was a tough one for me. I've been holding on to the pants that the EMT's cut off of Brendan when he was airlifted from the accident scene in Santa Cruz to Santa Clara Community Hospital. They were among the items I had brought back from the hospital. I just couldn't bear to let them go, throw them out....etc. But Sunday Morning (May 20th) when I went to take them out of the plastic hospital bag, I realized it was time to let them go. They held only memories and energy of the tragedy. I feel that Brendan is beyond that now. I didn't want him to be bound to "earth" or his "earthly body" through these pants anymore. He's got far grander things to do, that are on his horizon. His place here in the earthly realm has been completed.

Right away I said out loud: "It's time to let go of these. It's time to let go of these. I have to do it right away." I had this sense of urgency around the situation. I knew the pants couldn't just be thrown out. I wanted to "release" them in a sacred way. I thought about burning them within a bonfire thus creating a ceremony around the process.

I remember buying Brendan these pants in the Fall of 2016. He loved those Carhartt Jeans! They were two sizes too big for him. His pants had been so tattered and torn when I met him, that I "broke down" so to speak, and decided to buy him a couple of new pairs. I knew Brendan would want exactly the style, size, and color that he had been wearing. I knew better than to order pants that actually "fit" him. I still remember his shocked expression when I brought them to him. "You bought me jeans?" he asked. At first he didn't want to accept them but I persisted and he gave in when he saw how nice and brand spanking new they were: Khaki green and the other pair "brown" which is more of a unique tan color. The khaki green pair was what he wore the night of the accident. The last thing I ever thought would happen with those jeans is that Brendan would wear them to his last night on earth with us.

I found a bunch of interesting Hindu mantras. The Gayatri Mantra, my favorite, and what I chanted next to Brendan in the hospital and when spreading his ashes; wasn't quite the right mantra. So I did some research on Hindu Mantra's Sunday and Monday. I contacted a couple of the guys. Jason offered firewood and Jordan told me he'd come along to support me while I performed the ritual

I arrived at the Seabright Beach around 7:30pm. It's one of the only beaches that allows bonfires. While I was waiting for Jordan to arrive, I started the fire and played a few of the mantras I had found that I thought auspicious. In fire Yajna's I've attended over the years, there is much preparation of the fire and mantra chanting before the actual ritual. A Yajna literally means "sacrifice, devotion, worship, offering", and refers in Hinduism to any ritual done in front of a sacred fire, often with mantras.

The first couple of mantras I played: 

ONG NAMO GURU DEV NAMO
Meaning: Ong Namo : I Bow to the creative power - divine energy - force, that created this entire universe, this cosmos
Guru Dev Namo : I bow to the great divine teacher that is within me.
According to Hindus, we all came from that same source, and the part of that source, that energy, that wisdom is also inside all of us. So this mantra allows us to take our attention inside, search of the wisdom inside.

Ganesh Mantra
ll Aum shrim hrim klim glaum gam
ganapataye vara varada sarva
janamme vashamanaya svaha ll

“Invocation to Lord Ganesh, son of Lord Shiva, who is the remover of obstacles, who guards the doorway to the enlightened realms. His blessing are essential for good beginnings.”

The one that I ended up playing for the actual ritual: burning B's pants was this:
Siri Gaitri Mantra:

Siri Gaitri Mantra offers radiant divine healing for yourself, others
and the world. The words to this mantra are:
Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung
Ra means the sun and connecting with that frequency gives you energy.
Ma means the moon and it aligns you with receptivity.
Da is the the energy of the Earth, grounding you in your roots.
Sa is Infinity and as you chant this, your energy rises upwards and
outwards drawing in the healing the the Universe.

When you chant Sa a second time, you pull the energy of Infinity into you.
Say is a way of honoring the all-encompassing Thou. It is personal,
like a secret name for God.(Universe)
So is a vibration of merger.
Hung is the Infinite, the vibrating real. It is the essence of
creation. (So Hung together means, I am Thou.) The service of the
cosmic intelligence is within me.

from the Yoga Times Website

Jordan thought it was an incredibly comforting and hypnotic mantra. I did as well. It sort of picked itself and of course it's possible that Brendan was the one who chose it. I also thought it had a bit of an Irish sound to it. Which is appropriate given Brendan was half Irish.

Jordan and I played that song for 7 minutes and then I asked Jordan to place B's pants in the fire. He did; in such a careful, loving, conscious manner. It was very emotional for both of us, because in the process we each got a whiff of Brendan's familiar patchouli scent. (And Brendan claimed he wasn't a "hippie"😄😄)






Brendan's pants catching fire.









Jordan and I watched B's pants become consumed by the fire. It felt appropriate to play some Chopin during the rest of the time we sat quietly watching the flames. Brendan had been so excited for me to hear his father play Chopin last October when Al & Corinne came to Santa Cruz for a visit. The two we played (my favorites) "Romance" or Piano Cencerto No. 1, in E minor. And then Nocturne in Dd Op 27 No.2

The Green Blast of Light

Something I haven't told anyone....

The night of the accident I was driving from my house to Brendan's house. As I had mentioned, he had called me at 6:30pm and then again at 7:00pm, to tell me that he had a migraine and was leaving work early; that I should meet him at his house. I told him I would be there at around 9:00. It was about 8:50pm when I left my house. I don't know what time they airlifted Brendan; but as I was coming over the mountain, from my home, (5 minutes away from his), I saw a green blast of light in the night sky; like the one above. I remember thinking "wow, what the heck is that?" because it was such a large green flash. I did wonder at the time if it was some sort of helicopter (Medevac) on it's way to Dominican Hospital. I wonder now, was it the Medevac that airlifted Brendan to Santa Clara that I was seeing?

A few days after Brendan passed away, I thought about that light again. I wondered if it was a sign from Brendan that he was leaving this world? If he had his choice I'm sure he would choose to go out in a flash of green light. Knowing how much he loved the color green, pictured above.

I've been thinking about this experience on and off the past few months. This morning I decided to finally Google the following  phrase, "green flash of light in night sky". These images of comets came up. Now I wonder if I was seeing a comet or a meteor?

When I looked up the symbolic meaning of "green comet" or "green meteor" I found the following explanation.....It is not a good omen:
Green Comet/Meteor Symbolism

I don't know if I believe this. I thought I had given up all this kind of "nonsense" thinking. I was a pretty level headed agnostic before Brendan died. But I can't deny that I have been thrown off course these days. I'm revisiting my "past life" so to speak. My childhood and teenage years searching for the meaning of life. My 20's living in a Hindu Ashram. My 30's following any kind of New Age teaching that would give me insights into the meaning of life, death and creation.  Then I "smartened" up a bit, finished a Master's Degree and became more Scientifically inclined. In 2017 I read 7 Science Books about the human brain!  I thought I had outgrown this nonsense. Yet I find myself unable to explain too many recent phenomena or "Brendan experiences". What does it all mean? I have no idea. Absolutely no idea. I'm trying to trust, have faith, that there is a deeper meaning, a purpose, a divine plan. I want to believe it because it's comforting to me.

Yes, it's deeply cliche and almost too Hollywood and hokey for me to admit it when I say, "Brendan has always been apart of me, since the beginning of all eternity. Because if we are ALL timeless and eternal then HE has always existed, and I have always existed. I have always known him, I will always know him; and we will meet again.

Uncle Brendan's New Little Wonder....

As much as Brendan said he "hated kids" (ha ha! What a Drama Queen). I know he would have loved little baby Izzy. I really believe he would have been so happy for his friend Jason.  Brendan and I picked out a gift for Jason's baby a couple of weeks before he died. I'll try to find the text exchange between us. 

Brendan At Concerts

First Foot Into the Capitola Trader Joe's Store

The first thing I saw, when I stepped foot into the Capitola Trader Joe's Store, were Peonies. My very favorite flower in the world besides lilacs.  When it was Peony time I was going to ask Brendan to pick some up for me. I look forward to this time every year.  Last year he had bought me bunches.

I was thinking all day long on Saturday, that since Friday, May 18th was 100 days since Brendan passed from this earth, that I would need to push myself to visit the store. I hadn't been able to even step foot in there. Even parking my car in the parking lot was a bit traumatizing for me. I wrote a quick grocery list, with 6 things I would quickly pick up, get myself to the cash register and then get out as soon as possible. I arrived there at 7:00pm because I knew it would be fairly empty.  When I got to the freezer section I heard an upbeat, happy voice in my head...."WENDY!" It was Brendan's voice. I heard it so clearly. I answered, "Yes, Brendan, I'm here." I made it through the store with my 6 items and then got in the shortest cashier line.  I must have exhaled very loudly because the cashier exclaimed, "Wow! that was an big sigh." I made some reason up as an excuse; I didn't want to explain why. 

I was flooded with memories of picking B up late at night after work. Profound, profound sadness. I would never be able to do it again. I'd never drive us home at 11:00pm and listen to how his day went and what he planned to do when he arrived home. We'd take a left on his street (Avalon) passing the landmark building on the corner that Brendan said he wished he could buy and turn into a little Market. What he'd call "Lai-Wing's Market".  I'd pull out front of 314 Avalon St. Previous tenants had used his house number as a way to express 'pi' 3.14 and got rather "artistic" with house number. ......Brendan would then gather all of his things together....backpack, skateboard, bag of groceries; he'd struggle to unlock the gate (because he refused my help), then we'd go through the back entrance to his room.  He had two rooms, a bathroom, a back deck, and a huge garden. We called our sleeping room, "the cabin". It was pretty much a walk-in closet with wood paneling. But nice wood paneling. Very rustic, like the actual inside of a cabin; thus the name: "the cabin". I often went to sleep in the room about 1:00am in the morning. I had to get up as early as 6:00am for work. Brendan-a --notorious night owl---stayed awake until 5:00am.  The final days we were together we were on this "Everybody Hates Chris" TV show marathon.  We still watched British Drama, Comedy & Cooking Shows as well, but that was our "fun" show.  I'd of course be giving him a knee massage, foot & hand massage because of his chronic pain. As you will soon find out from reading these blog entries, Brendan was in chronic pain and I couldn't stand the thought of him hurting, therefore I was constantly massaging him. 

It's difficult reliving these memories. Yet, I crave B's company so very much and memories are all I have right now...

Mother's Day Gift For Corinne Leung

Mother's Day Weekend and even the week before Mother's Day was very difficult for me. I was thinking so much about Brendan's "mum" Corinne feeling absolutely heartsick. I can't imagine losing one of my children. Although I know B didn't go back home more than maybe once a year, I had a sense that he and his mom were very close. I know from stories Brendan told me, how much she did for him and " she put up with me" as he would say.

 Corinne and I were texting this week after Mother's Day and agreeing that Brendan sure was "exasperating". It makes me laugh because I had at least 4 green journals filled with "notes", "complications" "baffling misunderstandings" about Brendan. I was endlessly trying to figure him out. In fact, I would say I created a whole "user's manual" in order for me to understand Brendan!

Corinne wrote me the following:
"Hi Wendy. I saw this post today & thought fondly of you. Yeah, Brendan was tough to pin down in the "I love you" department, but his actions laid all that to rest. You were obviously the center of his universe. And Adolfo & I love you too."

My response to Corinne (other than her text being so touching & flooding tears in my eyes) ended with the following sentence; which by the way I mean with all of my heart~!

"Ha ha! Brendan was definitely exasperating, however I've never felt so rewarded for loving someone to the depths of the ocean and back!"

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I had my friend Tina---an amazing quilter---sew all of Brendan's bandanna's together into a quilt cover. Luckily it arrived by Mother's Day. 

May 18th, 100 Days Since You've Left Us

Brendan In the Cosmos With Boy Kitty

The Journey Through Grief

Kopan Monastery performs prayers and pujas for Brendan

Dear Wendy, 
I would like to let you know that we have done your requested King of Prayer Pujas for the benefit of Brendan Lai-Wing Leung.
The pujas were done on the 15th of May with the dedication as you requested. 
We pray the pujas will be most beneficial. 
We've received your donation.
With many thanks & prayers,
Zoksang