This was a tough one for me. I've been holding on to the pants that the EMT's cut off of Brendan when he was airlifted from the accident scene in Santa Cruz to Santa Clara Community Hospital. They were among the items I had brought back from the hospital. I just couldn't bear to let them go, throw them out....etc. But Sunday Morning (May 20th) when I went to take them out of the plastic hospital bag, I realized it was time to let them go. They held only memories and energy of the tragedy. I feel that Brendan is beyond that now. I didn't want him to be bound to "earth" or his "earthly body" through these pants anymore. He's got far grander things to do, that are on his horizon. His place here in the earthly realm has been completed.
Right away I said out loud: "It's time to let go of these. It's time to let go of these. I have to do it right away." I had this sense of urgency around the situation. I knew the pants couldn't just be thrown out. I wanted to "release" them in a sacred way. I thought about burning them within a bonfire thus creating a ceremony around the process.
I remember buying Brendan these pants in the Fall of 2016. He loved those Carhartt Jeans! They were two sizes too big for him. His pants had been so tattered and torn when I met him, that I "broke down" so to speak, and decided to buy him a couple of new pairs. I knew Brendan would want exactly the style, size, and color that he had been wearing. I knew better than to order pants that actually "fit" him. I still remember his shocked expression when I brought them to him. "You bought me jeans?" he asked. At first he didn't want to accept them but I persisted and he gave in when he saw how nice and brand spanking new they were: Khaki green and the other pair "brown" which is more of a unique tan color. The khaki green pair was what he wore the night of the accident. The last thing I ever thought would happen with those jeans is that Brendan would wear them to his last night on earth with us.
I found a bunch of interesting Hindu mantras. The Gayatri Mantra, my favorite, and what I chanted next to Brendan in the hospital and when spreading his ashes; wasn't quite the right mantra. So I did some research on Hindu Mantra's Sunday and Monday. I contacted a couple of the guys. Jason offered firewood and Jordan told me he'd come along to support me while I performed the ritual
I arrived at the Seabright Beach around 7:30pm. It's one of the only beaches that allows bonfires. While I was waiting for Jordan to arrive, I started the fire and played a few of the mantras I had found that I thought auspicious. In fire Yajna's I've attended over the years, there is much preparation of the fire and mantra chanting before the actual ritual. A Yajna literally means "sacrifice, devotion, worship, offering", and refers in Hinduism to any ritual done in front of a sacred fire, often with mantras.
The first couple of mantras I played:
ONG NAMO GURU DEV NAMO
Meaning: Ong Namo : I Bow to the creative power - divine energy - force, that created this entire universe, this cosmos
Guru Dev Namo : I bow to the great divine teacher that is within me.
According to Hindus, we all came from that same source, and the part of that source, that energy, that wisdom is also inside all of us. So this mantra allows us to take our attention inside, search of the wisdom inside.
Ganesh Mantra
ll Aum shrim hrim klim glaum gam
ganapataye vara varada sarva
janamme vashamanaya svaha ll
“Invocation to Lord Ganesh, son of Lord Shiva, who is the remover of obstacles, who guards the doorway to the enlightened realms. His blessing are essential for good beginnings.”
The one that I ended up playing for the actual ritual: burning B's pants was this:
Siri Gaitri Mantra:
Siri Gaitri Mantra offers radiant divine healing for yourself, others
and the world. The words to this mantra are:
Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung
Ra means the sun and connecting with that frequency gives you energy.
Ma means the moon and it aligns you with receptivity.
Da is the the energy of the Earth, grounding you in your roots.
Sa is Infinity and as you chant this, your energy rises upwards and
outwards drawing in the healing the the Universe.
When you chant Sa a second time, you pull the energy of Infinity into you.
Say is a way of honoring the all-encompassing Thou. It is personal,
like a secret name for God.(Universe)
So is a vibration of merger.
Hung is the Infinite, the vibrating real. It is the essence of
creation. (So Hung together means, I am Thou.) The service of the
cosmic intelligence is within me.
from the Yoga Times Website
Jordan thought it was an incredibly comforting and hypnotic mantra. I did as well. It sort of picked itself and of course it's possible that Brendan was the one who chose it. I also thought it had a bit of an Irish sound to it. Which is appropriate given Brendan was half Irish.
Jordan and I played that song for 7 minutes and then I asked Jordan to place B's pants in the fire. He did; in such a careful, loving, conscious manner. It was very emotional for both of us, because in the process we each got a whiff of Brendan's familiar patchouli scent. (And Brendan claimed he wasn't a "hippie"😄😄)
Brendan's pants catching fire.
Jordan and I watched B's pants become consumed by the fire. It felt appropriate to play some Chopin during the rest of the time we sat quietly watching the flames. Brendan had been so excited for me to hear his father play Chopin last October when Al & Corinne came to Santa Cruz for a visit. The two we played (my favorites)
"Romance" or Piano Cencerto No. 1, in E minor. And then
Nocturne in Dd Op 27 No.2
