The first thing I saw, when I stepped foot into the Capitola Trader Joe's Store, were Peonies. My very favorite flower in the world besides lilacs. When it was Peony time I was going to ask Brendan to pick some up for me. I look forward to this time every year. Last year he had bought me bunches.
I was thinking all day long on Saturday, that since Friday, May 18th was 100 days since Brendan passed from this earth, that I would need to push myself to visit the store. I hadn't been able to even step foot in there. Even parking my car in the parking lot was a bit traumatizing for me. I wrote a quick grocery list, with 6 things I would quickly pick up, get myself to the cash register and then get out as soon as possible. I arrived there at 7:00pm because I knew it would be fairly empty. When I got to the freezer section I heard an upbeat, happy voice in my head...."WENDY!" It was Brendan's voice. I heard it so clearly. I answered, "Yes, Brendan, I'm here." I made it through the store with my 6 items and then got in the shortest cashier line. I must have exhaled very loudly because the cashier exclaimed, "Wow! that was an big sigh." I made some reason up as an excuse; I didn't want to explain why.
I was flooded with memories of picking B up late at night after work. Profound, profound sadness. I would never be able to do it again. I'd never drive us home at 11:00pm and listen to how his day went and what he planned to do when he arrived home. We'd take a left on his street (Avalon) passing the landmark building on the corner that Brendan said he wished he could buy and turn into a little Market. What he'd call "Lai-Wing's Market". I'd pull out front of 314 Avalon St. Previous tenants had used his house number as a way to express 'pi' 3.14 and got rather "artistic" with house number. ......Brendan would then gather all of his things together....backpack, skateboard, bag of groceries; he'd struggle to unlock the gate (because he refused my help), then we'd go through the back entrance to his room. He had two rooms, a bathroom, a back deck, and a huge garden. We called our sleeping room, "the cabin". It was pretty much a walk-in closet with wood paneling. But nice wood paneling. Very rustic, like the actual inside of a cabin; thus the name: "the cabin". I often went to sleep in the room about 1:00am in the morning. I had to get up as early as 6:00am for work. Brendan-a --notorious night owl---stayed awake until 5:00am. The final days we were together we were on this "Everybody Hates Chris" TV show marathon. We still watched British Drama, Comedy & Cooking Shows as well, but that was our "fun" show. I'd of course be giving him a knee massage, foot & hand massage because of his chronic pain. As you will soon find out from reading these blog entries, Brendan was in chronic pain and I couldn't stand the thought of him hurting, therefore I was constantly massaging him.
It's difficult reliving these memories. Yet, I crave B's company so very much and memories are all I have right now...
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