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     I miss you Brendan Lai-Wing. I took this photo while on a Saturday 
      walk at Wilder Ranch. I always looked forward to our Saturday Nights
   together. The sadness overwhelms me knowing that I only have your
 memories to keep me company.

Brendan's Dartboard Installed at Vinnie's House

Vinnie (one of Brendan's very best friends) installed B's dartboard in his back yard. (April 27, 2018)




Grief Art: Black Out Poetry in Recycled Book



For the Anniversary of My Death


Ode to a Nightingale by John Keats: Read by Benedict Cumberbatch


The Meaning of Keats: Ode to a Nightingale


The nightingale described within the poem experiences a type of death but does not actually die. Instead, the songbird is capable of living through its song, which is a fate that humans cannot expect. The poem ends with an acceptance that pleasure cannot last and that death is an inevitable part of life. In the poem, Keats imagines the loss of the physical world and sees himself dead—as a sod =over which the nightingale sings. The contrast between the immortal nightingale and mortal man sitting in his garden, is made all the more acute by an effort of the imagination.



Ode to a Nightingale

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains 
         My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk, 
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains 
         One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk: 
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot, 
         But being too happy in thine happiness,— 
                That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees 
                        In some melodious plot 
         Of beechen green, and shadows numberless, 
                Singest of summer in full-throated ease. 

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been 
         Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth, 
Tasting of Flora and the country green, 
         Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth! 
O for a beaker full of the warm South, 
         Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene, 
                With beaded bubbles winking at the brim, 
                        And purple-stained mouth; 
         That I might drink, and leave the world unseen, 
                And with thee fade away into the forest dim: 

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget 
         What thou among the leaves hast never known, 
The weariness, the fever, and the fret 
         Here, where men sit and hear each other groan; 
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs, 
         Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies; 
                Where but to think is to be full of sorrow 
                        And leaden-eyed despairs, 
         Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes, 
                Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow. 

Away! away! for I will fly to thee, 
         Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards, 
But on the viewless wings of Poesy, 
         Though the dull brain perplexes and retards: 
Already with thee! tender is the night, 
         And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne, 
                Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays; 
                        But here there is no light, 
         Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown 
                Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways. 

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet, 
         Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs, 
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet 
         Wherewith the seasonable month endows 
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild; 
         White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine; 
                Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves; 
                        And mid-May's eldest child, 
         The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine, 
                The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves. 

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time 
         I have been half in love with easeful Death, 
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme, 
         To take into the air my quiet breath; 
                Now more than ever seems it rich to die, 
         To cease upon the midnight with no pain, 
                While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad 
                        In such an ecstasy! 
         Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain— 
                   To thy high requiem become a sod. 

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird! 
         No hungry generations tread thee down; 
The voice I hear this passing night was heard 
         In ancient days by emperor and clown: 
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path 
         Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home, 
                She stood in tears amid the alien corn; 
                        The same that oft-times hath 
         Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam 
                Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn. 

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell 
         To toll me back from thee to my sole self! 
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well 
         As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf. 
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades 
         Past the near meadows, over the still stream, 
                Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep 
                        In the next valley-glades: 
         Was it a vision, or a waking dream? 
                Fled is that music:—Do I wake or sleep? 

Kindness Quotes That Brendan Lived By






When a person that you love so much, passes on from this earth, and you’re left behind. That’s the situation for me, Brendan’s family and friends.

I know that the normal way to express the loss of someone is to say they have "died". I've been saying it all along. But dying would also mean the complete annihilation of Brendan's soul; Brendan's spirit. And I believe Brendan continues to live, although in a different place other than planet Earth. So I'd rather say, "Brendan has gone on a journey ahead of us. We'll be joining him in the not too distant future."


When you are so very close & intimate with a person that leaves this world, when they have already become apart of you.....what then?

I'm constantly reflecting on the many times I would just gaze at B with so much love and admiration. I would think, “What a miracle this person is.” 

Anyone who has really truly loved someone so deeply knows, that their love interest may not think of themselves as a miracle or anything special, but you see it. You see their essence and you are completely in love with their essence. That’s how I felt about B and still do. I can’t explain it; I’ve actually never been able to really capture the words to describe my love for Brendan. I keep looking for the right words to put in the right order. But I’m not successful. I know I’ve written so very much about my love for him; but it doesn’t seem to be the right set of words. Brendan was so much apart of me; and so many of us. 

I loved him from the day I met him. I know that I am feeling utterly sorry for myself. Sorry for the loss of him in our lives. Sorrowful and empty without him here. He was a part of the puzzle that made me who I am right now. I’m a much better person after having him in my life. All his foibles fall away and I am left with nothing but the adorableness that was Brendan. 

I only find this level of endearment and affectionate love in Hinduism and Radha’s love for the God Krishna. And Krishna’s love for Radha. I will try to find some examples and post them here. For now, I can only find poetry and tributes. So that is why I have posted so many samples of poetry. Pablo Neruda is the very best at putting my intimate feelings into perfect harmony and rhythm with the words and arrangement that he uses.