Dostoevsky once said, 

"There is only one thing that I dread: 

not to be worthy of my sufferings."

"I think of him every day; and sometimes every hour of every day."

 Gregory Peck many years after his son's death.

I Never Imagined That Grief Would Show Me How Beautiful Love Is.

I Never Imagined That Grief 

Would Show Me How Beautiful Love Is.

Wrap Yourself Around What Is Broken

When you break a bone you need a cast to hold it firm while it heals.
 
It goes for loss & grief as well. When we are broken inside we need the support of community and family in order to heal. 

The Gift of YOU

Brendan, I suddenly realized last night. YOU are the one that got me through the breast cancer ordeal.  Of course my family's moral support (my kids, my mother, my brother). And of course the LOVE I have for my kids.  And this blog entry is not to diminish the love I have for my family, friends, or children. It's just a heartfelt testimony that, aside from my children YOU were my very favorite person in the world.

It was my LOVE for you, that got me through. My constant focus on how much I loved you, how much I couldn't wait to be with you. How much I thought about you. and how I could make the minutes, hours, days and weeks in YOUR life better.

It took the focus off of me and worrying about my own health too much.

Making LOVE, happiness, and play more important than fear. 

Despite two surgeries, weeks of radiation and infection, chronic pain & discomfort; it was still just background noise. I had more important things to think about than my cancer ordeal. I had LOVE to think about. And that LOVE was you!

Thank you, thank you my dear sweetheart for giving me the gift of YOU!

The following song started playing while I was writing this. AND oh my gosh...the writer of the song is named Brendan! From Ireland of all places.


André Rieu & His Johann Strauss Orchestra performing 'You Raise Me Up' live at Mainau, Germany.

About Song Writer: Brendan Graham

My grief wanted to heal you and pull you to your feet

This image represents what I wanted to do when I saw you last (February 9th).
Wanting to pull you to your feet.
I know your mom & dad wanted that.
I  know Bridget wanted that. 
I know your friends wanted it for you too.

You were unstoppable.
You fell plenty of times.
You fell from great heights when you skateboarded.

You've hit your head before,
you've gone unconscious before,
you've had concussions before.

You've broken a total of 52 bones in your body
during your skateboarding career.
But this break was different;
you never got up from this break.
This break killed you. 

I'm trying to "be" the change B.  I'm remembering that kindness was the most important thing to you. 

The "Tribe of After"

I've just become a member of "Tribe of After", a Facebook Support Group. This is created by Megan Divine who wrote the book:

It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

She also started the group: Refuge in Grief

This is what I wrote for my first post as a new member of the group. 

It's been 6 months since my boyfriend was struck by a car and died in the hospital a few days later. The pain feels even worse the past two weeks. Its a struggle to work without crying through the day and to take care of my children. Last year at this time I was recuperating from breast cancer surgery. Then came radiation, and a severe infection. I had finally gotten on my feet last December. Brendan got me through all of it. Then January 2018 he turned 42 years old. We were never so closer than after my health crisis. Tragically, a week before Valentines Day, Brendan was hit by a car while crossing the road, airlifted to a hospital in San Jose, CA and was pronounced brain dead two days later. He was a donor so they kept his body alive while medical teams from all over the country arranged to "harvest" his organs. The very last time I saw him, all hooked up to machines, he looked absolutely beautiful. He looked like a Prince. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life is leave him for the very last time. Looking so "Alive." How does one get over this?? His organs saved 3 women's lives. I know, yes I know I should be happy. But pretty much the hardest thing to hear from people is: "At least he saved people's lives donating his organs."

______________________________________________________________

These are other books I would highly, highly recommend. Luckily I also have an Audible account and just downloaded the "Grief Works" from this lovely British Author & Grief Counselor. So very, very helpful. 

Random discoveries....My Stream of Consciousness

Together....

Brendan's Skateboard on the TV Series Movie Set DEVS. Filmed at McHenry Library, UCSC Aug 2018

Sometimes I find random things like this 

in the stacks 

at McHenry Library & I think of you.

the me I was before you died....

The Art of Missing You

There Is No Easy Path Through Grief

Grief:
We do not move on
We move forward.

There is no easy path through Grief

Whoever Survives A Test, Whatever It May Be, Must Tell The Story. That Is His Duty

"Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must 

tell the story. That is his duty." 

Elie Wiesel

Lightening In A Bottle On A Skateboard: B. You Are Still My Co-Pilot

This statue is called "Emptiness" 

It is a great attempt at describing how a parent feels after losing a child.

Original artist : Albert György Bronze Statue located at Lake Geneva, Switzerland

Grief: What Everyone Should Know

If we give ourselves and others the space to grieve in whatever way they need to, 
without judgement,
We are not only honoring the eternal love that binds us (them) with those who have died,
We are also helping in the process of bringing meaning to the lives of our loved ones (or the loved ones of others)
and our (their) continued existence without them. 

by Tanya Villanueva Tepper 

see the following 15 minute presentation
Grief: What Everyone Should Know
________________

Grief must be shared
Not judged.

_________________

The Great Healer
of our Grief
Is Validation

Not Time

_________________

Grief is not a competition

_________________


Grief:
We do not move on
We move forward.

___________________

Grief,
like the ocean
never ends;
It shifts & changes
It ebbs & flows
& we never know
when we are going
to be hit with
another wave.

Found at Mermaid's Cove, Wilder Ranch August 25, 2018