Some Days Are So Grim

Some days are so grim.

I just wish life was the same again and Brendan was here on earth with me, with the rest of us.

The ritual I miss so very much:
Meeting Brendan at his house, to give him a ride to work. He's sleeping as usual. I go into his room, kiss his sleepy face and say, "Good morning cutie, time to wake up" (It's not really morning, it's 2:00 in the afternoon....but it's Brendan's morning). He wakes up; I go to the kitchen to make coffee. I might fold his clothes too if he's just done his laundry. They were usually left in a wrinkled heap on his black leather couch.

He comes out of the shower smelling like that patchouli oil he always wore & Trader Joe's Coconut Body Butter. He has to make decisions about which colored Trader Joe's shirt he is going to wear on that particular day. Should he layer his shirt, a long shirt underneath a short sleeved shirt on top? What pocket kerchief will he stick in his back pocket? What colored bandanna/headband should he wear? Where is his TJ's name tag?..."oh there it is". His watch; “where did that go?”....Finally "where did he place his teeth?" "Does he have enough vape juice?”

I go out to the car 5 minutes before it’s time to leave; to make sure I moved all my “stuff” off of the passenger seat where Brendan sat. The co-pilot seat.

I hear him...the sound of the woodpecker knocker....three times…..the signal that he’s ready to go.

From a 2010 FB Post: Brendan called this "Sal-flip Airwalk Disaster"

From a 2010 FB Post: Brendan called this "Sal-flip Airwalk Disaster"

Bonfire Shirt: A Brendan Souvenir

Cabrillo Graduation

Artified Freedom....

Saying Goodbye Is So Hard

Photo of a Sleeping Brendan

I Am ALIVE

How I Met Brendan

A friend just asked me last night. How did u meet Brendan?

I saw him across a crowded cafe.....

Just kidding...that’s a line from a book. Actually I met him at Trader Joe’s. I was in his checkout line around this time two years ago. I remember that day perfectly. I wasn’t really paying attention so when I got to the register I had to do a double take. My first impression of Brendan: part cartoon character, part luminous being. He had his ‘Lai-wing’ name tag on. I asked him how to pronounce his name properly but he said that I kept putting emphasis on the wrong vowel and told me his friends called him Brendan. I was enchanted. My Mind shot back with the thought.. “I’ve just got to know this guy!”

So every Friday on my shopping day I tried to make sure I was in his line. My 14 year old daughter would roll her eyes and say “oh no are you looking for that “Ling ling” guy again?” She knew I had a painful crush on him. My daughter told my roommates and one of my roommates told me she was friends with him and also Facebook friends with him. That was my ‘in’. I told him the next time I saw him that he knew my roommate. I asked him if he minded if I became Facebook friends with him. He said yes even if he really meant no. (Later on in our relationship I realized that Brendan often said yes when he meant no. And when he said “no” he really meant “NO!!!”)

So a week or two goes by and I’m on my lunch break checking my personal mail and some Facebook messages from my family. I see some funny post of Brendan’s. Something comes over me and suddenly I find myself in FB messenger. I write, “ Hi Lai-wing this is Wendy. I talk to you quite often at TJs. I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re soooooo cute! Even though I’m probably way too old for you”

I thought he’d shrug it off, laugh, be flattered and possibly just tell me thank you. But he actually called me 5 minutes later on Facebook messenger. I didn’t have headphones at my work station so I couldn’t answer. So I typed a response, “are you really trying to call me? I don’t have headphones.... “ He then give me his cell phone number and tells me to call him after I got off of work. And that’s how the whole thing got started………..

The Little Mermaid?

Brendan Lai-wing Leung’s Deep Dark Secret…….

“The Little Mermaid”....his favorite Disney movie. I kid you not, I have his Little Mermaid Necklace, towel and washcloth to prove it. (Which his mum bought him by-the-way).

Working at McHenry Library, UCSC has tons of perks. One of them is that we’ve got the biggest collection of media items of all the UC’s. 10,000 DVDs to name just a few. I worked a couple of hours a day in the Film & Music Department and would peruse the collection on Fridays to see what Brendan and I might watch for our Saturday movie nights. We have quite a lot of remastered Disney movies. Brendan and I watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins, the Sword in the Stone, Fantasia, & of course the Little Mermaid. I know I’m leaving a couple of Disney movies out that I can’t remember at this moment in time.

Anyway, the reason I’m mentioning this is that last night I had a dream about Brendan. In the dream he is sitting on Uncle Julio's black leather couch (that was passed down to him....you all the know the one). In the dream, he’s staring up at his big screen TV absolutely absorbed in the Little Mermaid movie. Meanwhile I’m putting antibiotic ointment on the dozens of scrapes, cuts and gashes he has on his body from his recent skateboard outing with friend Jason M. By the way; I alway carried antibiotic ointment on me. Brendan did not tend to his own injuries. He was a tough guy after all. He didn’t need antibiotic ointment. That would mean he was “....some kind of Sally!” So I would “trick” him by telling him that he would have to strip down to his boxers so that I could work on his knee. While he was distracted by some show he was watching I would apply antibiotic ointment to all his gaping wounds and “road rash” and he wouldn’t even notice.

That’s what I’m doing in this particular dream….I know it sounds like I was some kind of crazy codependent when it came to Brendan. Like I said in previous posts; there was some kind of driving force behind the loving care that I gave Brendan; something which I can’t explain. Especially since I hadn’t been that way with any other guy I dated. Whether or not you want to pathologize my love for Brendan doesn’t really matter at this point. I know that, now that he is gone, you are all deeply grateful for my loyal, committed, attentive, nurturing, over-the-top, ridiculous (as he would say) Brendan Love.

EVIDENCE on a Tuesday

EVIDENCE

Tuesdays were the days that I picked you up from work at Trader Joes.

Today however, I picked up your skateboard, your glasses and your other shoe…

…..Found at the scene of the accident.

The CHP Evidence Officer gave them to me as if it were “no big deal”.

Was it  just an ordinary day for him?

It wasn’t an ordinary day for me,

It wasn’t an ordinary day for your family,

It wasn’t an ordinary day for your friends,

And you weren’t an “ordinary” person.

I wanted to ask the officer, “Don’t you realize who we lost?”

He struggled to carry both your belongings and the paperwork to me.

As if he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I heard the sound of your skateboard being placed on the floor at my feet.

I saw that your glasses weren’t even cracked or broken.

Then another tightly sealed bag was pushed in front of me,

labeled “EVIDENCE”.

It was your “other” shoe….

I tried to play the accident scene in my mind.

“How did the shoe come off? Is it Odd of me to ask?

Morbid Thoughts? Is it morbid of me to wonder?

Did the shoe fly off, did it drop off? Where did it land? How Far?

The glasses? Were they still on him when he landed?”

A million questions.

Yes dear reader,  

I know as you are reading this now,

You believe that  you wouldn’t ask these questions.

You believe you would think differently,

You believe  you would handle it all differently.

I hope, dear reader,  that you will never find out what you would do.

I really do hope you will never find out.

I want to play the accident in my mind over and over in different ways,

Different scenarios.

Each scenario I’m trying to catch you before you hit your head,

I’m trying to block the car,

I’m trying to push you out of the way.

But it doesn’t work

I’m never successful...

At Times Like These.....The Only Prayers I Had......

Brendan suffered from nightmares quite a bit. In the last couple of years he would reluctantly let me recite

a mantra that I was given while living in a Hindu Ashram for 7 years (in my 20's). His response was; in his

usual sardonic tone: "I don't believe in any of that shit." But when the sun rolled up the next morning he

would concede, "Well.....I didn't have any more nightmares after you said that stuff."


Brendan was a self-proclaimed atheist so his family and I knew not to summon any priest or religious clergy

to his bedside (I can hear his voice yelling at me in my head right now, even at the mere mention of this..)


However, at times like these, you realize you might want to keep all your bases covered and say some prayers

or whatever you happen to have up your sleeve. And the Gayatri mantra is exactly what I had up my sleeve in

the moment. Call it instinct, desperation, or for my own personal comfort....call it what you will.


When I first arrived at his hospital bed the night of the accident, I sat down and very softly recited this mantra

over and over until the nurses kicked me out. The last day and the last hour, his family and I were at his

bedside I again recited this mantra silently.


Om Bhur Bhuvah Swaha


Tat Savitur Varenyam


Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi


Dhiyo Yonah Prachodayat


I'm hoping this beautiful, ancient recitation may have eased his path no matter how small.


These are my two favorite translations:


May we commune with and receive the ever-present light of the adorable source, creator of all the worlds

and all the realms. May this one enlightenment direct us all to perceive eternal brilliance and receive the

the inspiration of awakening.


translation: Sparrow Deviyani Brulotte


Let us adore the supremacy of that divine sun, who illuminates all, who recreates all, from whom all proceed,

to whom all must return, whom we invoke to direct our understandings aright in our progress toward the

sacred seat.


translation: Sir William Jones

Here is an absolutely beautiful rendition from YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG5lgpNnia0

The story behind this tapestry:

Three weeks four weeks after Brendan died, I was on the UCSC campus taking a class. As soon as I opened the door to exit the building a saw this tapestry being sold next to a "tent" vendor. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. There was the Gayatri mantra (English Transliteration from Sanskrit) in front of me. In all the many years I had known and recited the mantra (I received the mantra from my guru in 1985) I had never seen it displayed on a tapestry and had never once witnessed anyone selling anything like it in over 20 years at the University. I had worried that Brendan would strongly disapprove; as I said above, he was an avid atheist. However, seeing this just a few short weeks after I passed away, I decided it must be a message from him letting me know that my prayers weren't wasted.

Saying Goodbye to My Heart

Everything Brendan Owned Now Has A Meaning

FB Post

February 24, 2018· 

It looks like nothing right? Yet everything has a meaning. The hand-print was taken of B’s hand after he had passed on.

Santa Cruz Sentinel Front Page Article (Also Found In the San Jose Mercury Newspaper)

This is the actual link to the Santa Cruz Sentinel where you can find the video and electronic version of the article:

http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/sports/20180222/brendan-leung-1976-2018-skateboarder-remembered-for-longevity-style-disregard-for-physical-pain

Altar Boy

 

Brendan’s picture as an alter boy. When Brendan told me he had been an alter boy I naturally asked him. "Did you take swigs of the Eucharist wine when the priest wasn't looking?" He replied, "No, but I used to steal the communion wafers. I loved the wafers!" My response, "You mean those pasty, dry things that stick in your throat and almost choke you to death?" Brendan: "Yup, that would be them."

Your Beloved's Shoes

What do you do with your beloved’s shoes? When bright green shoelaces say everything about them?

Posted on FB February 24, 2018

What's in a Chinese Name

Wendy L McMullen is with Corinne Leung and 2 others.

February 24 · Santa Cruz · 

What’s In A Chinese Name? Lai-wing Leung (A photo of the Lai-wing Leung seal that was made for Brendan after he was born. His famiy was able to find this in his belongings......)The Sentinel article was pretty awesome but I’m planning on straightening out the writers with some information about the accuracy of Brendan’s name ‘Lai-wing Leung’, with the help of his super special Dad: Sze (Aldolfo) Leung. In Chinese tradition, Brendan’s name would be last name first: Leung, then his first name: Lai- Wing. There is no translation in Chinese for Brendan. To accommodate Western standards they basically have to insult the ancestors by placing their family name last. (In Chinese culture family name comes first, in Western family name comes last). B’s dad Al states the following: “In our Leung family, the first middle name is predetermined by a cycle of 4: Sze - Lai - Shiu - Ka....... Sze (poetry) is my first mid name, therefore Brendan’s first mid name must be Lai (mannerism), Brendan’s son would use Shiu (literature, also my grandfather’s first mid name), Brendan’s grandson would use Ka (family, also my father’s first mid name). So Sze-Lai-Shiu-Ka represents Leung’s characteristics of poetry-courtly manners-literacy-family. So if a son is born of the Leung family, his parents would only be free to pick his second middle name. That’s what you get to have a culture that goes back thousands of year before Christ.....they have more time to make a mess of things.” 😄 taken from Al's text to me yesterday.