Missing Brendan on July 9, 2021

I was listening to David Bowie on the way home from work yesterday. Brendan was such a huge fan of Bowie’s. We used to binge-watch a music DVD of his studio recordings and live performances that I found in our University Library’s Film and Music section. Anyway, the music transported me to these endearing memories I have of Brendan and his passionate music choices. He had such an eclectic taste. My heart ached so much as I listened to the Bowie Collection again. All my senses came alive with memories of Brendan all at once. If you’ve ever had that happen you know how painful it is.

If you never knew Brendan, I’ll describe him once again and his impression on me: Half Cartoon Character, Half Luminous Being. A unique gem of a person who you either understood or just didn’t “get”. It’s cliche but you know that saying, “They broke the mold when they made him.” I get choked up thinking that there will never be another Brendan. In one way that is good, I guess, because he will always stay unique. In fact, he was so unique that he didn’t remind me of anyone I had ever met in my life. I’ve worked on a University Campus for 23 years and have met thousands of people. I often feel like I meet the same 10 people or types of looks and personalities. But no one was or is as unique as Brendan. That’s what continues to be so painful. The nice thing about seeing Corinne and Al is that B reminds me a bit of both of them. It’s funny to me how much Brendan and Al are similar in their quirkiness. And then you see where Brendan got his heart. Without a doubt from Corinne. He also looks like both of them. Brendan’s eyes were from Corinne, Brendan’s manner of walking is from Al. Brendan also looks similar to his Chinese great-grandfather, who I have a photo of.

The Live Performance of Moonage Daydream is probably one of the most brilliant pieces by Bowie and Brendan and I never got tired of it. I can’t really listen to much of the music that Brendan always had cranked up on his sound system because it still hurts to listen to it even more than 3 years later. I miss him so much at times that everything in my body hurts. It’s so bitter-sweet. I love the memories but I hate the way it makes me feel. I realize that I may grieve for him throughout the rest of my life. Maybe not as intensely depending on how long I live.

Can I make a suggestion to those of you who are recently bereaved? Go into it as it takes you into the core of your heart. It will hurt like hell but go there. As you continually go there you eventually find that the person you loved and lost is there waiting for you. It’s pretty much the only way to grieve because if you don’t the grief will go somewhere else in your body or your life and it will mess you up or make you sick. You have no other choice when you are bereaved. I’m pretty sure I survived this grief by finding a grief therapist and early on joining a free grief group through Hospice. Also being able to grieve with family or friends who also loved Brendan. Of course, the amount of love you have for the person you’ve lost is the deciding factor in how you will grieve.