Brendan Did Not Want To Grow Old
Brendan and I talked about getting older........
He did not want to get older. He hated the idea. I kept telling him, “ Brendan I'm quite a bit older
than you and I can tell you that I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. You can age without
getting old you know?” He went silent.
So now his body no longer hurts and he will never get old.
As we are coming up to a month out from the accident, I was thinking about our Brendan
leaving us so suddenly. Not just my Brendan; Our Brendan. I’ve been thinking how hard it was for
me to say that last goodbye. Of course I’m sure my pain pales in comparison to Al,
Corinne & Bridget’s pain.
The last hour February 9, 2018
I was just taking in Brendan’s hands, feet, arms, face, tattoos, knowing pretty soon I would
never be able to touch him again. (I can’t even begin to imagine how his folks felt). As I looked
at him lying there in that hospital bed, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to his physical
body, walk out of the ICU and make my final walk out of the hospital. I knew I would never be
able to lovingly massage his achy muscles again. I took pictures of all his tattoos (his father did
as well) so I would never forget them. I took photos of his beautiful face. His mother and I
kissed his hands, his feet, his face and when everyone left the room I gave him one more kiss
on the lips. They had taken the bandage off his head so I gently ran my fingers through his hair
one last time. That was the hardest goodbye I ever had in my entire life. I was trying to be brave
for his parents but it just wasn’t working. I didn’t want to sob in front of them. I didn’t want to cry
like a wounded animal. But I did.
Wow! Life is so freakin' painful and tragic isn't it? The immense love I feel for B right now is
mixed with equal amounts of immense pain. What a strange recipe the combination of anguish
and love are. The contrast of the emotions is so intense and I find my human brain almost can't
comprehend it. It's a feeling that's beyond this world for me. In fact I do feel like I am still in an
alternate Universe right now. I feel like part of me is with Brendan wherever he is and of course
part of me is here doing my daily routine and tasks. Taking care of daily life business, work,
kids, doing shopping, paying bills (although I feel like I’m walking through quicksand as I do it).
Yet part of me really is somewhere with Brendan. I am sure B’s mom Corinne, dad Al, and sister
Bridget are suffering in this way as well. And I’m sure many of you are still barely swimming
through tidal waves of emotions……..
The Profound State of Grief
I understand the “higher mind” of those who say, “Just be grateful you had such a beautiful experience
of love with Brendan.” Or that, “this is all part of life, you will always have your memories of B.” Or, “it’s
always hard to lose someone you love, you do get through it.”
Why do I keep posting, and ranting on about B? I have lost my father, my brother and several years ago
a boyfriend. But those deaths were from illnesses that took them gradually, not suddenly. I also
volunteered for hospice over a course of 2 years, I know what it’s like to watch and care for someone
as they gradually die. This experience with B though is a different type of agony. I feel as if he were
yanked from my life, he didn’t gradually fade away. I know we all feel the same.
It’s just the daily ritual of B in my life. We had a pattern of what we did together. Some of it was just that
common stuff that gets boring in relationships but when it’s gone you really notice it. I keep going into
rooms forgetting why I’m going into them. I keep thinking I have to be somewhere and then it dawns on
me. “Oh no I don’t anymore. That was for Brendan after all. And Brendan is no longer here.”
If you feel impatient with grief in yourself or in others you may want to read, “A Grief Observed” by
C.S Lewis. He was the author of the best known “Chronicle of Narnia” that you may remember reading
as a kid. The book is a very short masterpiece. It doesn’t completely speak to me but it speaks to me
enough.
A couple of sentences I’ll highlight:
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.
The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness……”
And in the next paragraph…
” There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I really
don’t mind so much, not so very much, after all. Love is not the whole of a man’s life. I was happy before
I ever met Helen. I’ve plenty of what are called ‘resources’. People get over these things. Come, I
shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a
good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an
ant in the mouth of a furnace.” (p.3-4)
...like an ant in the mouth of a furnace? Why yes, and more...much much more……….
I bought some art supplies a couple of weeks before Brendan’s death because I was in the middle of
making something for his wall and now I have no idea what to do with this collection of crafting materials.
I’m sure I’ll use it someday for something. But I had a whole plan in my mind. I rehearsed creating it and
hanging it and arranging it for B. So now when I pass the materials my mind goes blank……
Damn! I just want him to be alive again. When I wasn’t with B, I was thinking about him. I was thinking….
what can I do to make B happy the next time I see him? Only because it was fun to make him happy.
I think those of us who loved him so much also loved loving him. My impression was that he was like
everyone’s kid brother. Even if he were older than them.
In terms of amount of time you knew or spent with Brendan doesn’t seem to matter. He had an impact
on people. He had a list of shortcomings that people joke about as well. You don’t have to remind me,
I even joke about them. But those shortcomings were just background noise for me. They never got
under my skin. In fact I would says that B got under my skin in a good way.
I’m wondering if B will become even more magical now that he has left us. Even more of a legend?
Things I Can't & Can Do 1 Month After Brendan's Accident
Posted on FB March 7th......
Things I Can’t & Can Do 1 Month After Brendan’s Accident
Actual Title Should Be: Grief Insanity!
Warning: Graphic Descriptions...NOT For Those Who Are Easily Distressed!
I can’t wash the remaining dirty clothes in his hamper (now located in my closet)
Can’t throw away the blood stained pants that were cut off of him while airlifted to Santa Clara
Community
Can’t wash his bedding or the pillow he lay his head on (never will wash it). I bury my head in
this pillow every night and try to breath his scent in all night long.
I can’t re-read his text messages to me
I can’t listen to his voice messages to me.
Keep trying to smell his scent on his old sweaty TJ t-shirts that I haven’t washed. (the scent is fading)
Keep smelling his cloth bracelet because it still smells like him
Keep looking at his lock of hair and hand-print that is now part of my honorary Ancestry Alter.
I wear his incredibly warm jacket.
I wear the brand new tie-dye socks his mum gave him for Christmas. Mismatched of course!
I wear his gaudy glass blown jewelry
I arrange his hats and look at them. I pick them up and think of when I last saw him wearing them.
I keep regretting that I didn’t take more photos of him. That I didn’t take more videos of him doing
regular things.
I could have filmed him watching TV, cooking, caring for his plants. Or snuck a video of him working
his special area at Trader Joes.
Keep looking at the last photo I took of his face (on my cell phone) right before I left him at the hospital
for the last time
Keep looking at the last photos I took of his hands, feet, tattoos...
Keep watching his skateboard videos just so I can see him alive
Keep posting, posting, posting everything I can about him
I can go to work, be at work….. although easily distracted
..Can do my daily list of chores….although easily distracted
..Can be a mom to my kids…..although easily distracted
Can actually DO things but so easily distracted.
All Things Bowie
David Bowie--
I‘ve got to say this one more time. Brendan was CRAZY over David Bowie. I had this rare footage
DVD from our McHenry Library Film Collection of live Bowie and also footage from Bowie’s band in
the recording studio---he’d also wear outrageous clothing. I would bring that DVD over now and then
and B and I would watch it over and over again. The costumes, the craziness, the bromance that Mick
Ronson and Bowie had on stage! Brendan was sure those two were getting it on. We speculated on it
constantly when we watched Bowie’s early 70’s live performances. If you get a chance you’ve really
got to watch Live Bowie Moonage Daydream. Bowie is wearing this bizarre very short sort of “dress”.
I’m not even sure he’s wearing underwear. It’s such a good time and a great laugh. I hear Brendan’s
laugh right now. You know Brendan could get adorably “giggly” over things like this.
Brendan's Favorite Recipe
I didn't want to disturb Brendan while he is on his cosmic exploration of the universe and beyond with
his sidekick ‘Boy’ aka: Jackson. He is now in the Luminous after all. Brendan is so busy observing and
studying fractals and enjoying the mosh pit of effulgent angels and celestial beings, with the coolest
headgear imaginable.
However I did call him away from his celestial playground temporarily to lend me a hand with making
his favorite dish: pasta drenched in spicy sausage sauce. I needed his guidance and his “Chinese Spice”.
A term I used regularly when I would endearingly say, “Kiss me cuteness, I need some Chinese Spice!”
He had the best, pillowy lips imaginable.
Anyway, here is a picture of his favorite dish that he loved to make me. He also made it for me and his
mum on Christmas Day. And then again just two days before he died. It was our last dinner together.
I’m taking it to the Boys tonight. We’re all meeting again to organize the Tribute Party. I’ll try to take
some photos of us feasting on it tonight and post it.
I Discovered This In Brendan's Journal A Month After He Passed Away
I Discovered This In Brendan's Journal A Month After He Passed Away:
2016 October 5 Wednesday
Goin thru my pointed, deliberate and excited renewal visit to paper. I'm pretty sure
that I engaged in a most meaningful conversation with Wendy McMullen pertaining
to the feeling and use of the word LOVE....Wendy is nothing short of the side of
most amazing, fenominal ((phenomenal) remarkable, outstanding persons it has
ever been my delight to ever have had the opportunity and luck to cross paths....
My response:
Wow Brendan! I had absolutely no idea you had this opinion of me. I only found
out less than 5 short weeks before you left us.
Attending A Grief Support Group
March 27th Grief Support Group
This past Tuesday I attended the second grief support group. It's a writing group and we have exercises we
do in those two hours. It was a difficult session.
I've been in a constant state of yearning and aching.
It's not just centered in my mind or my heart though. The feelings of grief seem to be in 3 separate areas and
all have different feelings and all feelings seem to be creating a song of despair.
The first place anyone expects grief to occur is in the mind/brain. The memories, the longing to be reunited
and resume our habits and rituals together. The second place, the heart. One would expect the heart to hurt
when a loved one dies. I do feel the sensation of a breakage. I can even sense a crack in my heart.
The 3rd place, and the least talked about, which I find the most profound and unfamiliar: The body's sensation
of grief. This is the worst place for me personally. It's a feeling I've never, ever had in my life. As many books as
I have read, I've never come across these feelings described in any book. It's as if my cells are coming unglued.
As if I am in weightless space and so my cells feel as if they are separating and vibrating a little as they
separate. It's also a feeling of contraction, pulling under my skin at the same time. I'm observing that the skin
has a longing all it's own. It feels separate from my mind, thoughts, emotions and the aching in my heart.
I can only compare this body sensation to the curious state of childbirth. When I was a mother in the process of
giving birth, I was awestruck. How was it the body knew just what to do? To seize up and force contractions
where muscles would spasm/contract, pressing, pushing...on again, off again. And anyone who has been in the
process of birth knows how bizarre and fascinating it is that your body knows just what to do. And at the same
time....there is absolutely no way you can control it. You only work with it. Breathe when they tell you to breathe
a certain way, push hard when they tell you to push.
There is a deep yearning just under my skin and with every breath there is a yearning in and a yearning out.
The dictionary definition of yearning is simply: a longing for something, a thirst, ache, hunger, craving, desire,
a wish. It is the best word that I can use for the way I am feeling. At the same time I’m feeling things I don’t
have words to describe. I do believe there are words to better illustrate this aching, but they’re from other
worlds and we have no context on our earthly home and earthbound bodies to describe them. Our mouths
aren’t even able to form syllables to enunciate them…. For now I’m calling it, the Breath of Yearning.
Brendan & I Were a Super Fantastic Team.
Brendan & I were a super fantastic team. Even though I really can’t explain how that would be possible.
Here’s how it worked:
I am fiercely independent. Brendan was fiercely independent.
I had my world of Academia. Brendan had his world of Skateboarding.
Our third world was each other which included:
Cats (When kitty Jackson ‘Boy’ was alive he lived on my chest most of the time….miss him.
Our kitty girl: The Whoo….miss her), the Garden, TV Time: British shows, Clint Eastwood
Spaghetti Westerns, Classic Westerns, Netflix British Comedies:( Man Down, Cuckoo, the
Detectorists, Last Tango in Halifax) Cooking shows: MasterChef (Never missed an episode),
Anthony Bourdain series, Re-runs West Wing
-Audio books, Music of every kind...Bowie Binges, Tool Binges, Queens of the Stone Age,
Eagles of Death Metal, the Motets, Alice in Chains, Skinny Puppy, super old Pink Floyd,
super old Moody Blues, Grateful Dead (didn’t have the stomach for them but tolerated for Brendan).
Believe it or not the ONLY music of Brendans that I couldn’t tolerate were the Grateful Dead! (Which is ironic because our library McHenry UCSC has the Grateful Dead Museum & the entire archive of the Grateful Dead!)
Brendan’s Most Common Foods
Homemade: chicken soup, pasta with sausage,
Trader Joes snacks.
Brendan scents: Patchouli Musk, Desert Essence Tea Tree Oil Deodorant
Myntz Breath Mints Vanillamynt Blast (Sugar-free)
Trader Joe’s Coconut Oil
Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Balm
Colored strobe light
Couch Beers
“Toots, can you sail me some scotch?”
This May Come As A Huge Shocker For Most Of You
This may come as a huge shocker to most of you....
Brendan was really proud that I was coming up on 5 years abstinence from alcohol. In fact when he realized one time that he had made us pasta and used Trader Joe’s white wine pasta sauce he remade a whole extra batch especially for me with regular marinara. (He didn’t seem to realize that I didn’t count this as alcohol consumption; as I see it as flavoring that burns off when heated anyway.) As I mentioned previously, Brendan often bought me flowers and chocolates and shared all of his Trader Joe's snacks with me. He loved the Trader Joe’s chocolate liquor filled candies available during the holiday season. He was always bringing boxes of them home for himself. He told me, “You can’t have any! I’m hiding them from you!” Of course, among the many, many reasons I will NOT pick up a drink during this very painful period of my life, is that it would disappoint Brendan so much. I honestly think that he would forgive me for all the long daily tangents that I post here on his FB but he would NEVER forgive me for breaking my commitment to abstinence from alcohol.
I know what your thinking…..Brendan Lai-wing Leung? Chirish? Are you kidding me?
Brendan was full of surprises.
Love Talk & Brendan
Love Talk and Brendan
He hated it! I even remember him suddenly blurting out
“I HATE Valentine’s Day!”
Puzzled, I looked over at him and replied, “Where the hell did that come from? It’s August Dude!”
(still makes me laugh)
The only thing I could get away with:
Telling him that I loved his lips. He referred to them as his “cartoon lips”. When I would give him a lift to
work….the departure went like this:
Me: “Okay honey, kisses please!”
Brendan: “What are your plans for the rest of the day?.”
Me: “Oh, I’m just going to sit around the rest of the day thinking about your lips. I don’t have anything
better to do. Might as well just think about your lips.”
(Brendan-- continuing to look straight ahead, pretending to be disinterested….but smiling.)
One of the most perfect things in all of creation: Brendan’s cartoon lips, crooked teeth and adorable
smile--Perfection! (Most of you know he was missing half his teeth --knocked out skateboarding----and
had to wear a bridge) Another funny little piece of Brendan trivia. He was ALWAYS misplacing his ‘teeth’.
I can’t tell you how many times he forgot to put them in and we’d get halfway to Trader Joe's and have
to turn back around and get them.
I’m so delighted that I have so many memories that make me laugh about Brendan.
Messages from Friends Since Brendan's Death
Messages from Brendan's Friends the Past Couple of Months.
Brendan Lai-Wing Leung Obituary
It's Earth Day Dear Brendan--A Poem/Prose
It’s Earth Day Dear Brendan
April 22, 2018
April 22, 2018
It’s Earth Day 2018
& I’m thinking of the earth &
All it’s Beauty & Mysteries.
I don’t feel like focusing
On the evils of mankind Today.
What I do know:
Mother Earth has taken you back
Without asking our permission.
We humans think we can overtake her,
Dominate Her.
Yet she will take our bodies back;
In the form of dust,
In the form of ash,
In the form of anything she can get.
And I suppose we must be grateful
For that fact that she gave us life;
Our Earth Bodies,
In the first place.
On Earth Day 2018
My Memory is on You.
By YOU, I mean the
Physical YOU.
The last memory of seeing you:
When I had to say Goodbye to you,
In physical form.
Lying there so Perfect,
So Alive,
So Beautiful,
So Magical,
You Looked like a Sleeping Prince
Lying There.
I am again Remembering My Last Goodbye;
Touching your hair,
You face,
You lips.
One last glimpse and touch of your hand in mine.
Seeking out all of your tattoos
Your forever wounded knee
With the Exotic, Elaborate Elephant tattoo.
I’m remembering your feet:
Their shape,
Their color.
I’m fully aware that I knew
All the correct, achy spots
That I lovingly massaged.
Your Earth Body
Was so Special to Me.
Special to Your Family,
Special to Your Friends.
An extension,
An expression
Of Your Soul.
Your Unique Soul.
And when I last
kissed You
And told You,
“I Will Love & Miss You For the Rest of My Life.”
I meant it.
All I know:
Today, Earth Day 2018
at 11:40 in the morning
Is;
I Miss You Dear Brendan, I MIss You.
Regarding the Varieties of Grief and Loss Over Brendan’s Death
From a March 16th FB Post
Regarding the Varieties of Grief and Loss Over Brendan’s Death
A Curious Observation, not necessarily a judgement.. ..I’m “watching” the way certain people grieve
around me these days and it’s confusing. You have the “loud” grief expressions of someone like me
and then you have the confusing “disappearance” and/or complete silence of individuals. And then
there is the range between those two extremes.
Everyone has their own process around death and loss and you don’t have to be a psychologist to notice.
And there’s those peculiar stages of grief that the “expert” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross ( a Swiss-American
psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death studies) has so extensively written about. However, they don’t
necessarily come in an exact order. And of course no expression is right or wrong. It just “is”.
I notice things like avoidance, resentment and anger in addition to immense sadness.
I was somewhat “introduced” to people’s fear of illness, death, loss reactions when i was 16 and my dad
was diagnosed with cancer. My friends wouldn’t visit my house anymore. And then when I was 17 and
my father died, relatives completely left our lives. Only recently with the rise of social media have my
brother, mother and I been “found” or “rediscovered”, “reconnected” to relatives once again.
Another shocking event that happened this year was my diagnosis with breast cancer. A couple of people
I thought were close friends dropped like flies and some even became hostile to me. How strange I
thought. I was told, “not everyone is as strong as you Wendy”. Funny, I never thought of myself as being
“strong”; or at least not any stronger than anyone else.
Surprisingly, I found myself having to comfort many friends and family members when I was diagnosed
with cancer.
The most shocking thing to me were the people who DID show up for me. The last people I thought would
be there for me. Sometimes the coworker that I barely spoke to. The friend I had only just been
introduced to.
Now with the loss of Brendan, I almost felt “embarrassed” when I returned to work a couple of weeks ago.
What were my poor coworkers going to say to me. “Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry….cancer and now this?”
Believe it or not I’m laughing as I’m typing this right now.
I knew that most of them would be afraid to talk to me. And of course everyone needs a different type of
“treatment” or “comforting” after such a great loss in their life. Or a tremendous cancer ordeal.
What I “THINK” people need when diagnosed with an illness or upon losing a significant person in their
lives…..TELL them you want to be there for them (unless you don’t or can’t) , If their response is that
they can’t think of any way you can be there for them at the moment, ask them again in 1 week or 10
days. And then repeat the pattern. This is only what I suggest to friends/family of someone going through
one or both of these situations do.
What I hear most from people, “I didn’t know what to say to you.” ….”I didn’t want to make you cry.”.....”
I didn’t want to make you think about him….or “it” (if it’s an illness). However those of us going through
the tragedy/crisis many times DO need to talk about it and cry. I’m pretty certain that the crisis/tragedy
is all the person experiencing it CAN think about at the moment.
Sadly, sometimes your heart is broken twice. Once by your tragedy or illness and then the second time
around by the sudden loss of friendship.
But you want to have all the answers for them , you want to say all the right things, you feel
“uncomfortable” about another person’s suffering or grief, you don’t have “time” to be there for the person.
Or you’re afraid they will want too much of your time if you approach them. You can’t “handle” their sadness
or pain….etc. etc. The list goes on. I DO understand where people are coming from because I’ve had all
of these reactions and responses in the past. If it makes you feel any better, I STILL have these responses
& reactions.
However, there is never a better time to “practice” how to deal with a friend or family member’s tragedy
or illness then when they are going through it. We can learn about ourselves, learn about others. We can
learn how we might deal with it when it happens to us. And it will happen to all of us at one point. Life’s
spoiler alert: No one gets out of here alive.
Continuation of Poems, Posts & Tributes from Facebook
I wanted to get as many FB posts downloaded to this blog, therefore the majority are out of order. I will be working on arranging them chronologically as time goes on.
Ceremony: Spreading of Brendan's Ashes
Only some of Brendan's ashes were spread on Scotty's Property. Brendan's favorite kitty "Boy" passed away last April 15, 2017. Brendan and I buried Boy, and Scotty and Brendan put the boulder in the photos, on his grave. Brendan told me that when he died he wanted some of his ashes spread at Boy's Grave site. Boy kitty was so very important to Brendan. I believe Brendan had him between 16-18 years. No matter what happened in Brendan's life; both hard times and good times; Kitty Boy was always there for him. He meant the world to Brendan.
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“The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see--the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, ... -
It's so very dreadful to miss him. I just hate it in every way imaginable. I so want him here to snuggle with....even with his "...
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From a 2010 FB Post: Brendan called this "Sal-flip Airwalk Disaster" -
I was listening to David Bowie on the way home from work yesterday. Brendan was such a huge fan of Bowie’s. We used to binge-watch a music D...
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March 27th Grief Support Group This past Tuesday I attended the second grief support group. It's a writing group and we have exercises...
