Regarding the Varieties of Grief and Loss Over Brendan’s Death

From a March 16th FB Post




Regarding the Varieties of Grief and Loss Over Brendan’s Death










A Curious Observation, not necessarily a judgement.. ..I’m “watching” the way certain people grieve




around me these days and it’s confusing. You have the “loud” grief expressions of someone like me




and then you have the confusing “disappearance” and/or complete silence of individuals. And then




there is the range between those two extremes.







Everyone has their own process around death and loss and you don’t have to be a psychologist to notice.




And there’s those peculiar stages of grief that the “expert” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross ( a Swiss-American




psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death studies) has so extensively written about. However, they don’t




necessarily come in an exact order. And of course no expression is right or wrong. It just “is”.




I notice things like avoidance, resentment and anger in addition to immense sadness.







I was somewhat “introduced” to people’s fear of illness, death, loss reactions when i was 16 and my dad




was diagnosed with cancer. My friends wouldn’t visit my house anymore. And then when I was 17 and




my father died, relatives completely left our lives. Only recently with the rise of social media have my




brother, mother and I been “found” or “rediscovered”, “reconnected” to relatives once again.




Another shocking event that happened this year was my diagnosis with breast cancer. A couple of people




I thought were close friends dropped like flies and some even became hostile to me. How strange I




thought. I was told, “not everyone is as strong as you Wendy”. Funny, I never thought of myself as being




“strong”; or at least not any stronger than anyone else.




Surprisingly, I found myself having to comfort many friends and family members when I was diagnosed




with cancer.




The most shocking thing to me were the people who DID show up for me. The last people I thought would




be there for me. Sometimes the coworker that I barely spoke to. The friend I had only just been




introduced to.




Now with the loss of Brendan, I almost felt “embarrassed” when I returned to work a couple of weeks ago.




What were my poor coworkers going to say to me. “Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry….cancer and now this?”




Believe it or not I’m laughing as I’m typing this right now.







I knew that most of them would be afraid to talk to me. And of course everyone needs a different type of




“treatment” or “comforting” after such a great loss in their life. Or a tremendous cancer ordeal.




What I “THINK” people need when diagnosed with an illness or upon losing a significant person in their




lives…..TELL them you want to be there for them (unless you don’t or can’t) , If their response is that




they can’t think of any way you can be there for them at the moment, ask them again in 1 week or 10




days. And then repeat the pattern. This is only what I suggest to friends/family of someone going through




one or both of these situations do.




What I hear most from people, “I didn’t know what to say to you.” ….”I didn’t want to make you cry.”.....”




I didn’t want to make you think about him….or “it” (if it’s an illness). However those of us going through




the tragedy/crisis many times DO need to talk about it and cry. I’m pretty certain that the crisis/tragedy




is all the person experiencing it CAN think about at the moment.




Sadly, sometimes your heart is broken twice. Once by your tragedy or illness and then the second time




around by the sudden loss of friendship.




But you want to have all the answers for them , you want to say all the right things, you feel




“uncomfortable” about another person’s suffering or grief, you don’t have “time” to be there for the person.




Or you’re afraid they will want too much of your time if you approach them. You can’t “handle” their sadness




or pain….etc. etc. The list goes on. I DO understand where people are coming from because I’ve had all




of these reactions and responses in the past. If it makes you feel any better, I STILL have these responses




& reactions.




However, there is never a better time to “practice” how to deal with a friend or family member’s tragedy




or illness then when they are going through it. We can learn about ourselves, learn about others. We can




learn how we might deal with it when it happens to us. And it will happen to all of us at one point. Life’s




spoiler alert: No one gets out of here alive.