Journal Entries Two Months After Brendan's Death
3/22/18
I thought it was insanity and then I found out it was just grief.
Brendan, you always thought I was corny, cheesy, or something like that. You were complaining about people one day. Saying something like, "I hate people." I asked you, "What king of people DO you like." And you replied, "Cheesy, educated people." I suppose you meant me?
3/27/18
Am I used to you being gone yet?
It just seems unbelievable. How is it you are gone B? How is it that you are gone?
I'm living my life backwards. There is no time. Time weaves in & out. Time only exists this way based on earth time; but beyond earth it doesn't exist. So Brendan is still alive. He's still alive as the old Brendan, somewhere on the time/space continuum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cells of my body are coming apart. The 1st 1/4 inch of my skin is coming undone. It is lifting from the boundaries of my human body and are less defined now. I'm starting to come apart.
Three Parts of My Grief. Grieving at the same time but in different ways.
1. My brain/mind, the memories, the longing to be reunited and resume our habits & rituals and patterns together.
2. My heart/chest. I can feel the ache, the sensation of the heart breaking. I can even sense the crack in my heart.
3. The cells of my body becoming unglued, separating. The sensation of a contracting and pulling under my skin, as if my body is trying to draw your essence your energy, your beingness back into me. My skin has a longing all its own, separate from my mind, my body has it's own longing; a completely separate experience.
3.28/18 Morning
No one person is more special than another. Be special in at least one person's life.
Yearning, yearning, yearning....What is Yearning??
Easter Day April 1st. Day After Tribute Party
Did Brendan know?
Did he take life for granted? Yes, he did. We all do.
But our souls know what's best for our own evolution. So our souls put us through these trials, these situations, these places.
I really do feel that B is at peace finally. He wanted to give back to all his friends. His friends were so very important to him!!
I've always been trying to put myself in Brendan's shoes so that I could understand him.
The reason we all loved him is the same reason we had problems with him.
What I couldn't do for you while you had a human body, I will do for you now. You need only let me know in whatever way you can, what you need. What you would like me to do and your friends to do. I am going to a make a conscious effort to listen for your messages as much as I can.
Since I was so devoted to you in life. Why shouldn't I also be in death? If there is no such thing as time, then I can do it for as long as I can on earth, if you need me to. Let me know what I can do for you. Do you know or realize now that this is still "us"; our team? I don't have to give up on my dreams, I can include you in my dreams. Just like the art I'm doing. We're doing it together.
Remember how we would come together as a team? I would take care of things while you got ready for work? Maybe it can be the same way. I can just help you so you can do your work: wherever you are. Maybe just keep it like it was when you were on earth?
4/12/18
Brendan, how can I help you wherever you are; while I'm here on earth? What can I do here for you?
Remember how I was always there to support you? You know I love you and I want to help you wherever you are. Please let me help...Goodnight, I love you.
I thought it was insanity and then I found out it was just grief.
Brendan, you always thought I was corny, cheesy, or something like that. You were complaining about people one day. Saying something like, "I hate people." I asked you, "What king of people DO you like." And you replied, "Cheesy, educated people." I suppose you meant me?
3/27/18
Am I used to you being gone yet?
It just seems unbelievable. How is it you are gone B? How is it that you are gone?
I'm living my life backwards. There is no time. Time weaves in & out. Time only exists this way based on earth time; but beyond earth it doesn't exist. So Brendan is still alive. He's still alive as the old Brendan, somewhere on the time/space continuum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cells of my body are coming apart. The 1st 1/4 inch of my skin is coming undone. It is lifting from the boundaries of my human body and are less defined now. I'm starting to come apart.
Three Parts of My Grief. Grieving at the same time but in different ways.
1. My brain/mind, the memories, the longing to be reunited and resume our habits & rituals and patterns together.
2. My heart/chest. I can feel the ache, the sensation of the heart breaking. I can even sense the crack in my heart.
3. The cells of my body becoming unglued, separating. The sensation of a contracting and pulling under my skin, as if my body is trying to draw your essence your energy, your beingness back into me. My skin has a longing all its own, separate from my mind, my body has it's own longing; a completely separate experience.
3.28/18 Morning
No one person is more special than another. Be special in at least one person's life.
Yearning, yearning, yearning....What is Yearning??
Easter Day April 1st. Day After Tribute Party
Did Brendan know?
Did he take life for granted? Yes, he did. We all do.
But our souls know what's best for our own evolution. So our souls put us through these trials, these situations, these places.
I really do feel that B is at peace finally. He wanted to give back to all his friends. His friends were so very important to him!!
I've always been trying to put myself in Brendan's shoes so that I could understand him.
The reason we all loved him is the same reason we had problems with him.
What I couldn't do for you while you had a human body, I will do for you now. You need only let me know in whatever way you can, what you need. What you would like me to do and your friends to do. I am going to a make a conscious effort to listen for your messages as much as I can.
Since I was so devoted to you in life. Why shouldn't I also be in death? If there is no such thing as time, then I can do it for as long as I can on earth, if you need me to. Let me know what I can do for you. Do you know or realize now that this is still "us"; our team? I don't have to give up on my dreams, I can include you in my dreams. Just like the art I'm doing. We're doing it together.
Remember how we would come together as a team? I would take care of things while you got ready for work? Maybe it can be the same way. I can just help you so you can do your work: wherever you are. Maybe just keep it like it was when you were on earth?
4/12/18
Brendan, how can I help you wherever you are; while I'm here on earth? What can I do here for you?
Remember how I was always there to support you? You know I love you and I want to help you wherever you are. Please let me help...Goodnight, I love you.
Autumn Leaf for You...
I found this leaf and I thought of you Brendan;
and the magnificent collection of feathers you gave to me.
So I lay this leaf upon the pot that holds those feathers, in honor of you.
Brendan's Library
Wow, this library was in my dream the other night. But with Brendan in front of that little window; in a comfy chair, feet up and engrossed in reading a large leather bound book. Looking peaceful & content. He looked up at me so happily and said in a surprised voice, "Wendy!" Look, I'm reading a book! They're training me and I've got lots to study."
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