7 Months......A Computer Generated Message from Brendan. Wishful Thinking?

I Love Thee......

Photo taken September 8th. Brendan's pillow covered with his TJ work shirt as the pillow case. Notice the prism rainbow from the morning sun coming through the crystal in my window.  I have never washed the shirt. I can still detect the faint scent of him. I wish I could still smell him. I loved the smell of his natural body scent.  I have his green cloth wrist bracelet on his Chinese Ancestry Altar.  I can still smell the patchouli oil on it. 

It's Been 7 Months. I Miss You.

September 7, 2018

It Is Affection & Love

Photo taken August 28, 2018  UCSC Farm & Garden

"It isn't absence that causes sorrow. It is affection and love. Without affection, without love, such absences would cause us no pain. For this reason, even the pain caused by absence is in the end,  something good and even beautiful, because it feeds on that which gives meaning to life."

Physicist Carlo Rovelli, 'The Order of Time'.

Article: 

Navigating The Landscape Of Parental Grief

Beautiful Article: What The Death Of My Daughter Is Teaching Me About Grief

A powerful quote from her article:

"I find myself picturing her spirit existing in an unreachable place. Sometimes I’m sure she can see and hear me, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t find her. I talk to her all the time. I write her letters. I imagine her voice in my mind as she answers my questions and gives me advice.

I carry her with me because there can be no forgetting her. Sometimes it feels like I’m alone with the burden of remembering, that holding on forever may pull me down into the darkness. But letting go isn’t an option. I bet Tahlequah would understand.

This is a confession that may upset some people who want me to move on — there is no healing from the loss of a child. There is only learning how to exist in a new reality. The love is still there. It’s endless. And so is my grief."

My Dearest Brendan, 

I took the Whoo to a new Vet closer to Scotty's House. She is doing amazing! She is up-to-date on her vaccinations. Your plants at Scotty's house are thriving as well. 

I was reminded about this quote that you loved so much that you even wrote 

about it in one of your journals. 

No, I won't move on; but I will move forward.

Part 1 of What I Want to Say About Love....Facebook Post February 26, 2018

This is Part 1 of what I want to say about love. Inspired by my love for Brendan…...I won’t be offended if you don’t read this.

When I was diagnosed with cancer last May I decided to go home and write a list of all my accomplishments, regrets and wishes. I had been dating Brendan for a year and I was reflecting on it. He was a tough guy to try to have a relationship with! (Not surprised are you?) But when reflecting on that year I had to smile, because it was the most fun I’d had in many years. I then thought to myself, “ if this is my last year on earth would I want to spend it with Brendan?” My heart skipped a beat….Yes, definitely! Besides being with my amazingly beautiful kids there was no one on earth I would rather spend time with than Brendan.

Doctors didn’t know how bad the cancer was until they analyzed tissue samples after the surgery. Luckily it hadn’t spread to my lymph nodes but I had to have a second surgery just two weeks later because they hadn’t been able to remove enough of the cancer during the first surgery. I got through that last summer having two surgeries followed by radiation that went through to October 1st. The radiation caused an infection which took some hard core steroids and antibiotics to overcome. I finally felt back to normal the first week of December. Brendan got me through it. Not so much what he did for me but just the fact that he was with me and kept me company through it.

We are so careless with love. We swipe left and right on dating apps like Tinder. We make long lists of qualities we want in a person and if they don’t measure up we discard them. We hit a rough patch with a partner and we dump them and look for someone else. Then we end up having the same exact issues with the new person we thought was “the one”. What’s my point? You never know who is going to come along and rock your world. If and when you find it don’t analyze it too much. If you have a list of 10 qualities you want in a partner, pick 3 you can’t live without and cross out all the rest. And love fiercely.