Letter From Sigmund Freud About Grief

Library Book Title Messages........

My Heartbreak Continues AND dozens of words explain my love for Brendan

The heartbreak continues.....

March 31st a year ago we had a tribute party at the Poet & Patriot for Brendan.  It doesn't feel like a year to me.  I still miss Brendan so much.  Just as much as ever, the grief is still grief but transforms throughout the weeks and months into a different aspect of grief process.

 I was thinking about the pain in my heart today.  If I had to describe it to someone:  It's an extraordinary painful yearning to be with Brendan.  It's almost as if my heart is trying to reach out of my chest into the heavens and find him.

I continue to wake up during the night calling to him, "Brendan, Brendan....".  I know I won't hear his voice but I'm trying to summon him to me.  To see if I can still feel him.  His death still seems so unreal.

This was a difficult week for me. The feelings of Existential Despair are the worst kind of suffering! I'd rather be in physical pain than this kind of emotional pain.  Emotional pain affects me physically anyway and now I can understand how people can die from a broken heart.  Especially the elderly who are already fragile and lose a significant partner.

Oh how I judge my own grieving. I notice that my thoughts keep trying to justify my grieving. And my thoughts try different ways to squirm out of the feelings.

I took some of Brendan's ashes to the wharf and sprinkled a pinch where the sea lions like to swim and lounge. Saturday I explored Waddell Creek Beach and Davenport cliffs and also distributed some of his ashes. And then today at Hakone Gardens under the cherry blossom trees.

What do I miss about Brendan?  His sweetness. He had such a sweetness about him.  Even though he acted tough and cursed like a sailor, he was a gentle soul.  Brendan had a flavor.  A flavorful quality? I don't think I've ever described anyone like that before.  I'm not sure if everyone even has a flavorful quality.   Brendan was unique. He was a bunch of different spices and herbs.  These "spices" wouldn't normally go together. They would be described as diametrically opposed.

The best food, the greatest Chefs of 5 star restaurants, are expert at putting contrasting flavors together. And creating ecstasy through one's taste buds. And that's exactly what Brendan is: contrasting flavors.  Brendan's soul enhanced my soul.  And that's what I miss so much.  Everything is bland now. He was the accent of my life, the spice of my life.

I know his personality was immensely difficult.  Brendan was definitely One of the most difficult people I've ever loved.  I still imagine that he is sleeping and I am next to him caressing his hair and kissing him and I keep saying, "Everything is going to be alright, everything is going to be alright."  As if I need to comfort him so he won't worry.

I find myself wandering around in his home (in my mind/imagination). I wander in the cabin (which is what he called the bedroom), I wander around the TV area. I even wander in the bathroom. I go outside into his garden. And I'm there all over again. And the Whoo is there just sitting on the table staring at him. And Brendan is staring up at the TV screen. And I'm watching Brendan watching the TV. Sometimes I just liked to look at him without him knowing I was looking at him. I was endlessly intrigued by him.  The explanation I have for it seems wordless, beyond words.  I don't think I could string the right words together to explain it to anyone.

Okay, I've looked up the word 'captivate', 'captivated'.  Because I was captivated by Brendan. I love the synonyms for captivate. I know they all mean the same thing but I like to read the words and say the words, because even though they have the same definition, they sound different.  And every sound of each word explains individual feelings I have for Brendan in just a slightly different way.  Which is very satisfying.

Yes! Every word here describes my feelings and emotions for Brendan. I need to say it in a hundred different ways and that isn't even enough. Just now I had this crazy thought. I am in purgatory!!---because I can't be united with Brendan. I can only continuously think about him and talk to him out loud and yearn endlessly for him.. In this purgatory I am reading out of an enormous book of my thoughts and emotions, and I'm just reading these words out loud.  This book is full of words that describe my love for Brendan in slightly different ways. These words go on into eternity...there is no end to it. And the purgatory element of the experience is that I will never complete reciting the words from the massive book.

More words related to captivate:
attract, enchant
allure
beguile
bewitch
charm
dazzle
delight
draw
enamour
enrapture
entertain
enthrall
fascinate
gratify
hypnotize
infatuate
intrigue
lure
magnetize
mesmerize
please
seduce
spellbind
sweep off one's feet

Donor Network Ceremony: Anticipation

Brendan was an organ donor. 3 women were saved after they inherited Brendan's liver and kidneys. The woman who received the liver transplant only had 48 hours to live. The Donor Network told us he has already helped 50 people. His skin for burn patients, heart valves, lung tissue, corneas. 

But that thought of him being dissected for such a gift haunts me too. His skin was my skin, his eyes shared times with me watching British Cooking Shows. Many nights I would lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. The same heart that donated valves to an individual in need. 

The Donor Network is holding a ceremony this Saturday in the Bay Area, California. I am attending. I am so afraid of the pain that this will bring me. I've cried so many tears this year and I know there will be a torrential downpour of tears this Saturday. I plan to wear sunglasses and bring lots of tissues. I'm anxious about the event. I'm happy that Brendan saved lives. But it doesn't reduce the pain of losing him, not even a little.