Posted on FB March 7th......
Things I Can’t & Can Do 1 Month After Brendan’s Accident
Actual Title Should Be: Grief Insanity!
Warning: Graphic Descriptions...NOT For Those Who Are Easily Distressed!
I can’t wash the remaining dirty clothes in his hamper (now located in my closet)
Can’t throw away the blood stained pants that were cut off of him while airlifted to Santa Clara
Community
Can’t wash his bedding or the pillow he lay his head on (never will wash it). I bury my head in
this pillow every night and try to breath his scent in all night long.
I can’t re-read his text messages to me
I can’t listen to his voice messages to me.
Keep trying to smell his scent on his old sweaty TJ t-shirts that I haven’t washed. (the scent is fading)
Keep smelling his cloth bracelet because it still smells like him
Keep looking at his lock of hair and hand-print that is now part of my honorary Ancestry Alter.
I wear his incredibly warm jacket.
I wear the brand new tie-dye socks his mum gave him for Christmas. Mismatched of course!
I wear his gaudy glass blown jewelry
I arrange his hats and look at them. I pick them up and think of when I last saw him wearing them.
I keep regretting that I didn’t take more photos of him. That I didn’t take more videos of him doing
regular things.
I could have filmed him watching TV, cooking, caring for his plants. Or snuck a video of him working
his special area at Trader Joes.
Keep looking at the last photo I took of his face (on my cell phone) right before I left him at the hospital
for the last time
Keep looking at the last photos I took of his hands, feet, tattoos...
Keep watching his skateboard videos just so I can see him alive
Keep posting, posting, posting everything I can about him
I can go to work, be at work….. although easily distracted
..Can do my daily list of chores….although easily distracted
..Can be a mom to my kids…..although easily distracted
Can actually DO things but so easily distracted.
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