I understand the “higher mind” of those who say, “Just be grateful you had such a beautiful experience
of love with Brendan.” Or that, “this is all part of life, you will always have your memories of B.” Or, “it’s
always hard to lose someone you love, you do get through it.”
Why do I keep posting, and ranting on about B? I have lost my father, my brother and several years ago
a boyfriend. But those deaths were from illnesses that took them gradually, not suddenly. I also
volunteered for hospice over a course of 2 years, I know what it’s like to watch and care for someone
as they gradually die. This experience with B though is a different type of agony. I feel as if he were
yanked from my life, he didn’t gradually fade away. I know we all feel the same.
It’s just the daily ritual of B in my life. We had a pattern of what we did together. Some of it was just that
common stuff that gets boring in relationships but when it’s gone you really notice it. I keep going into
rooms forgetting why I’m going into them. I keep thinking I have to be somewhere and then it dawns on
me. “Oh no I don’t anymore. That was for Brendan after all. And Brendan is no longer here.”
If you feel impatient with grief in yourself or in others you may want to read, “A Grief Observed” by
C.S Lewis. He was the author of the best known “Chronicle of Narnia” that you may remember reading
as a kid. The book is a very short masterpiece. It doesn’t completely speak to me but it speaks to me
enough.
A couple of sentences I’ll highlight:
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.
The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness……”
And in the next paragraph…
” There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I really
don’t mind so much, not so very much, after all. Love is not the whole of a man’s life. I was happy before
I ever met Helen. I’ve plenty of what are called ‘resources’. People get over these things. Come, I
shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a
good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an
ant in the mouth of a furnace.” (p.3-4)
...like an ant in the mouth of a furnace? Why yes, and more...much much more……….
I bought some art supplies a couple of weeks before Brendan’s death because I was in the middle of
making something for his wall and now I have no idea what to do with this collection of crafting materials.
I’m sure I’ll use it someday for something. But I had a whole plan in my mind. I rehearsed creating it and
hanging it and arranging it for B. So now when I pass the materials my mind goes blank……
Damn! I just want him to be alive again. When I wasn’t with B, I was thinking about him. I was thinking….
what can I do to make B happy the next time I see him? Only because it was fun to make him happy.
I think those of us who loved him so much also loved loving him. My impression was that he was like
everyone’s kid brother. Even if he were older than them.
In terms of amount of time you knew or spent with Brendan doesn’t seem to matter. He had an impact
on people. He had a list of shortcomings that people joke about as well. You don’t have to remind me,
I even joke about them. But those shortcomings were just background noise for me. They never got
under my skin. In fact I would says that B got under my skin in a good way.
I’m wondering if B will become even more magical now that he has left us. Even more of a legend?
No comments:
Post a Comment