Brendan Did Not Want To Grow Old

Brendan and I talked about getting older........


He did not want to get older. He hated the idea. I kept telling him, “ Brendan I'm quite a bit older

than you and I can tell you that I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. You can age without

getting old you know?” He went silent.

So now his body no longer hurts and he will never get old.


As we are coming up to a month out from the accident, I was thinking about our Brendan

leaving us so suddenly. Not just my Brendan; Our Brendan. I’ve been thinking how hard it was for

me to say that last goodbye. Of course I’m sure my pain pales in comparison to Al,

Corinne & Bridget’s pain.

The last hour February 9, 2018

I was just taking in Brendan’s hands, feet, arms, face, tattoos, knowing pretty soon I would

never be able to touch him again. (I can’t even begin to imagine how his folks felt). As I looked

at him lying there in that hospital bed, I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to his physical

body, walk out of the ICU and make my final walk out of the hospital. I knew I would never be

able to lovingly massage his achy muscles again. I took pictures of all his tattoos (his father did

as well) so I would never forget them. I took photos of his beautiful face. His mother and I

kissed his hands, his feet, his face and when everyone left the room I gave him one more kiss

on the lips. They had taken the bandage off his head so I gently ran my fingers through his hair

one last time. That was the hardest goodbye I ever had in my entire life. I was trying to be brave

for his parents but it just wasn’t working. I didn’t want to sob in front of them. I didn’t want to cry

like a wounded animal. But I did.


Wow! Life is so freakin' painful and tragic isn't it? The immense love I feel for B right now is

mixed with equal amounts of immense pain. What a strange recipe the combination of anguish

and love are. The contrast of the emotions is so intense and I find my human brain almost can't

comprehend it. It's a feeling that's beyond this world for me. In fact I do feel like I am still in an

alternate Universe right now. I feel like part of me is with Brendan wherever he is and of course

part of me is here doing my daily routine and tasks. Taking care of daily life business, work,

kids, doing shopping, paying bills (although I feel like I’m walking through quicksand as I do it).

Yet part of me really is somewhere with Brendan. I am sure B’s mom Corinne, dad Al, and sister

Bridget are suffering in this way as well. And I’m sure many of you are still barely swimming

through tidal waves of emotions……..