No One is Saying the Right Thing to Me Today

No one is saying the right thing to me today. All is cliche, western culture crap. The “positive movement” that has overtaken us. If one is feeling anything that is not positive or doesn’t make you feel good then you are misinterpreted as a downer, a victim. One who brings sadness & hardship on oneself. It gets tiresome. I touted that belief system the past few years as well, so I get it. I’ve always been afraid of my own despair, long before cancer last year, long before Brendan was killed.

Everyone seems so afraid of sad emotions, emotions of grief. The usual comment is, “Well this will probably make you stronger.” I wonder where that comment/idea came from? Is it some biblical reference? Although when reflecting, I would agree that so many of my hardships in life prepared me for the series of traumatic experiences this year. I’m not sure it makes much of a difference. Aside from the fact that I’m not completely paralyzed from grief as I had been in the past.

My responses to Stupid things people say when someone you love dies. I’ve just had too, too many in the past 2 days! By the way; these include comments from Doctors, nurses, coworkers, old friends, new friends, acquaintances. Here’s a list of my responses, now you guess what their comment was:  

1. We didn’t break up dummy, he DIED.
2. Well maybe I don’t want to fall in love again.
3. If it makes you “stronger” than why is suicide one of the 10 leading causes of death in this country?
4. No I’m not suicidal.
5. Yes, I’m sure we should all be more careful when we cross the road.
6. I KNOW there are a lot of things to be grateful for in life.
7. The Bright Side of Life? That was a Monty Python Song Right?
8. No need to practice your Bible verses on me.

 





The comment from the doctor today was just not the right thing to say at all. I simply went in to have my wrist evaluated because I had injured it over a year ago. I hadn’t been able to keep all of my appointments so I simply informed them about the breast cancer & the radiation and infection. I simply informed them about Brendan so they didn’t think I was ignoring the need for follow up treatment. The doctor’s response in regard to Brendan’s accident was, “people don’t look out for cars, they just walk right out in front of them.” Well, yes, maybe so but that isn’t the right thing to say to someone who less than 6 months ago lost their sweetheart because a car struck him down. Beside my son, my favorite guy on earth was hit and died from his injuries! The doctor’s response is just SO wrong! It just isn’t the right thing to say.





I ran into an old friend of mine the other day. At some point she suggested that I’ll fall in love again….Bad timing. Maybe I don’t want to fall in love again! Or an email response in which the friend assumes that I’m making things worse on myself. That maybe I’m just being very negative. And the nurse today, “There’s always something to be grateful for.” All of these comments are true but it’s not the proper response.



What is the proper response. Here’s an idea.





“Im so sorry.” “Gosh it hurts my heart to hear this.” “Do you have support set up?” If you are a friend you could say, “I’d like to call you. Is there a certain time that works for you today or in the next couple of days, or the next week?” As a close friend if the person turns you down, give it a few days and call. If they aren’t in the mood wait a couple of days and call again. If not then, give it a week and call again. If this is your friend, a friend that you think is important to you, keep in touch routinely. Don’t wait for them to call you….they can’t. They don’t know how. They don’t want to bother you with their grief and pain. They fear rejection at the most vulnerable time in their life. Keep in touch, don’t ignore, don’t let too much time pass before you get in contact. If too much time goes by you will feel worse and worse about not calling them to check in. Yes, it will be awkward to call them after time has passed by but do it anyway. Wouldn’t you want someone to do it for you?





That same friend that you are supporting in their grief will be there for you when you need support. That’s the kind of friend you want. The kind of friend who has gone through hell and knows what suffering feels like. They’ll most likely know what to say and how to support you. So pick up the phone. Offer to bring them food, pay for a massage gift certificate (one that doesn’t expire too quickly) and mail it to them in a “thinking of you” card. No stupid Hallmark sayings either. Just a blank card on the inside except for a sentence or two.