It is normal to have regrets when a loved one dies. Things that we wish we would have said or done. I already knew this. Everyday I ask myself, "What do I wish I had done or not done for or with Brendan?" I had been planning to ask him to watch this video for months and months before his death. He and I loved British TV. I figured that because Alan de Botton has such a charming British voice, that Brendan actually might sit for 3 minutes and watch this.
Early on in our relationship Brendan said, "I don't know WHAT you SEE in ME?" I've written plenty about my love for Brendan. I wonder what he would think of this short video.....If he is indeed present in my life and can still "visit" our world, then I would hope that he would be watching this over my shoulder......
Link to the short Video I Was Planning To Have Brendan Watch......
The Transcript......by Alain de BottonOstensibly we all want love. But oddly, one of the hardest things to do is not
hold it against people when they do actually turn around and reciprocate our feelings.
It can be immensely hard not to think that those who offer us love are in some ways weak, mistaken, needy, craven or just defective.
It can feel a lot easier when love was unrequited and our primary preoccupation was a thrilling dread that the admired person hadn't even noticed us.
But now there's finally no doubt anymore, it's really clear they do like us, and something troubling has arisen. We're feeling a bit sick, we're tempted to say we got them wrong. They can't be the admirable people we thought they were. But the issue isn't really to do with them at all. It lies somewhere else entirely in our relationship with ourselves.
Their affection seems suspicious, incomprehensible and a touch repulsive, because at some level this isn't what we're used to.
It doesn't tally with our view of ourselves. Love can be hard to receive when we're not fundamentally convinced of our own love ability. We spend our time seeking out those who can make us suffer in ways that feel familiar.
It becomes natural to assume that a kind lover has missed something. Perhaps then to try to behave in disgusting ways just to make sure they understand we're really not who they thought we were.
In short, how could anyone be so great if they have the bad taste to think well ofsomeone like us?
But we have to allow ourselves to entertain another option. Perhaps this affection we're receiving is not a sign that our kind lover is weak, or wrong, or has no other options.
Perhaps it's a sign that they've seen something in US which poignantly and tragically we don't yet quite see in ourselves; and have never been allowed to believe in by figures in our past.
That we are deserving of love.
There is hope in all this. Hope that we can come to trust our lovers more than we trust our own first nervous self-destructive impulses.
We can interpret their love not as a sign of their delusion or weakness, but as evidence of an inherent lovability in ourselves, to which our past histories have blinded us; yet to which their love and tenderness can now awaken us.
We don't, invariably, have to hold it against others when they see some point in us.
Early on in our relationship Brendan said, "I don't know WHAT you SEE in ME?" I've written plenty about my love for Brendan. I wonder what he would think of this short video.....If he is indeed present in my life and can still "visit" our world, then I would hope that he would be watching this over my shoulder......
Link to the short Video I Was Planning To Have Brendan Watch......
The Transcript......by Alain de BottonOstensibly we all want love. But oddly, one of the hardest things to do is not
hold it against people when they do actually turn around and reciprocate our feelings.
It can be immensely hard not to think that those who offer us love are in some ways weak, mistaken, needy, craven or just defective.
It can feel a lot easier when love was unrequited and our primary preoccupation was a thrilling dread that the admired person hadn't even noticed us.
But now there's finally no doubt anymore, it's really clear they do like us, and something troubling has arisen. We're feeling a bit sick, we're tempted to say we got them wrong. They can't be the admirable people we thought they were. But the issue isn't really to do with them at all. It lies somewhere else entirely in our relationship with ourselves.
Their affection seems suspicious, incomprehensible and a touch repulsive, because at some level this isn't what we're used to.
It doesn't tally with our view of ourselves. Love can be hard to receive when we're not fundamentally convinced of our own love ability. We spend our time seeking out those who can make us suffer in ways that feel familiar.
It becomes natural to assume that a kind lover has missed something. Perhaps then to try to behave in disgusting ways just to make sure they understand we're really not who they thought we were.
In short, how could anyone be so great if they have the bad taste to think well ofsomeone like us?
But we have to allow ourselves to entertain another option. Perhaps this affection we're receiving is not a sign that our kind lover is weak, or wrong, or has no other options.
Perhaps it's a sign that they've seen something in US which poignantly and tragically we don't yet quite see in ourselves; and have never been allowed to believe in by figures in our past.
That we are deserving of love.
There is hope in all this. Hope that we can come to trust our lovers more than we trust our own first nervous self-destructive impulses.
We can interpret their love not as a sign of their delusion or weakness, but as evidence of an inherent lovability in ourselves, to which our past histories have blinded us; yet to which their love and tenderness can now awaken us.
We don't, invariably, have to hold it against others when they see some point in us.
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