I think after being so used to autographing skateboards, Brendan thought it was necessary to
autograph the gas money he wanted to reimburse me. August 2016
When You're Homesick For A Person
When you’re homesick for a person, you just want to be with them—location irrelevant—because time stops with every kiss.
When you’re homesick for a person, it’s not about wishing you could return somewhere, not about boarding a flight or a train to travel to them, but somehow fighting space and distance to be somewhere in the same moment, wherever that may be.
When you’re homesick for a person, you’re constantly reminded of them, you’re forever imagining them standing next to you, you’re always picturing what it would be like if they were there
When you’re homesick for a person, there’s a dull, numbing ache at the pit of your heart reminding you that there’s something missing when they’re not around.
When you’re homesick for a person, you cannot make sense of why your life is so full and yet you sometimes feel so empty, why you are always in one place but wishing to be somewhere else, why you feel so lonely even though you’re not alone.
When you’re homesick for a person, you realize that your home wasn’t ever a place, but a connection, but a feeling, but a desire to be intertwined with someone physically and emotionally and spiritually and completely.
When you’re homesick for a person, you cannot find where you fit unless it’s with one another, making a dwelling in one another’s hearts, one another’s souls.
When you’re homesick for a person, you do whatever you can to bring yourselves together, to erase the space and distance and hours that have nestled between you. You learn how to love through the obstacles. You learn to make homes out of one another. By Marisa Donnelly
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often -- will it be for always? --how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment?" The same leg is cut off time after time." C.S. Lewis
"Healing Journey" Or "Numb Slog"?
“If I hear the term ‘healing journey’ one more f–king time… It is not a ‘healing journey.’ It’s a ‘numb slog.’ It’s just a, ‘Well, it’s the end of another day — Guess I’ll do that tomorrow.’ It’s just a numb slog, until you start feeling s–t again. If they would call it a ‘numb slog’ instead of a ‘healing journey,’ it would make it a lot f–king easier. Because if they call it a ‘healing journey,’ it’s just a day of you eating Wheat Thins for breakfast in your underwear, you’re like ‘I guess I’m f–king up my healing journey.’ But if they would say you’re going to have a ‘numb slog,’ you could say ‘oh, I’m nailing it.”
― Patton Oswalt~~stand-up comedian & actor
― Patton Oswalt~~stand-up comedian & actor
Journal Entries Two Months After Brendan's Death
3/22/18
I thought it was insanity and then I found out it was just grief.
Brendan, you always thought I was corny, cheesy, or something like that. You were complaining about people one day. Saying something like, "I hate people." I asked you, "What king of people DO you like." And you replied, "Cheesy, educated people." I suppose you meant me?
3/27/18
Am I used to you being gone yet?
It just seems unbelievable. How is it you are gone B? How is it that you are gone?
I'm living my life backwards. There is no time. Time weaves in & out. Time only exists this way based on earth time; but beyond earth it doesn't exist. So Brendan is still alive. He's still alive as the old Brendan, somewhere on the time/space continuum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cells of my body are coming apart. The 1st 1/4 inch of my skin is coming undone. It is lifting from the boundaries of my human body and are less defined now. I'm starting to come apart.
Three Parts of My Grief. Grieving at the same time but in different ways.
1. My brain/mind, the memories, the longing to be reunited and resume our habits & rituals and patterns together.
2. My heart/chest. I can feel the ache, the sensation of the heart breaking. I can even sense the crack in my heart.
3. The cells of my body becoming unglued, separating. The sensation of a contracting and pulling under my skin, as if my body is trying to draw your essence your energy, your beingness back into me. My skin has a longing all its own, separate from my mind, my body has it's own longing; a completely separate experience.
3.28/18 Morning
No one person is more special than another. Be special in at least one person's life.
Yearning, yearning, yearning....What is Yearning??
Easter Day April 1st. Day After Tribute Party
Did Brendan know?
Did he take life for granted? Yes, he did. We all do.
But our souls know what's best for our own evolution. So our souls put us through these trials, these situations, these places.
I really do feel that B is at peace finally. He wanted to give back to all his friends. His friends were so very important to him!!
I've always been trying to put myself in Brendan's shoes so that I could understand him.
The reason we all loved him is the same reason we had problems with him.
What I couldn't do for you while you had a human body, I will do for you now. You need only let me know in whatever way you can, what you need. What you would like me to do and your friends to do. I am going to a make a conscious effort to listen for your messages as much as I can.
Since I was so devoted to you in life. Why shouldn't I also be in death? If there is no such thing as time, then I can do it for as long as I can on earth, if you need me to. Let me know what I can do for you. Do you know or realize now that this is still "us"; our team? I don't have to give up on my dreams, I can include you in my dreams. Just like the art I'm doing. We're doing it together.
Remember how we would come together as a team? I would take care of things while you got ready for work? Maybe it can be the same way. I can just help you so you can do your work: wherever you are. Maybe just keep it like it was when you were on earth?
4/12/18
Brendan, how can I help you wherever you are; while I'm here on earth? What can I do here for you?
Remember how I was always there to support you? You know I love you and I want to help you wherever you are. Please let me help...Goodnight, I love you.
I thought it was insanity and then I found out it was just grief.
Brendan, you always thought I was corny, cheesy, or something like that. You were complaining about people one day. Saying something like, "I hate people." I asked you, "What king of people DO you like." And you replied, "Cheesy, educated people." I suppose you meant me?
3/27/18
Am I used to you being gone yet?
It just seems unbelievable. How is it you are gone B? How is it that you are gone?
I'm living my life backwards. There is no time. Time weaves in & out. Time only exists this way based on earth time; but beyond earth it doesn't exist. So Brendan is still alive. He's still alive as the old Brendan, somewhere on the time/space continuum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cells of my body are coming apart. The 1st 1/4 inch of my skin is coming undone. It is lifting from the boundaries of my human body and are less defined now. I'm starting to come apart.
Three Parts of My Grief. Grieving at the same time but in different ways.
1. My brain/mind, the memories, the longing to be reunited and resume our habits & rituals and patterns together.
2. My heart/chest. I can feel the ache, the sensation of the heart breaking. I can even sense the crack in my heart.
3. The cells of my body becoming unglued, separating. The sensation of a contracting and pulling under my skin, as if my body is trying to draw your essence your energy, your beingness back into me. My skin has a longing all its own, separate from my mind, my body has it's own longing; a completely separate experience.
3.28/18 Morning
No one person is more special than another. Be special in at least one person's life.
Yearning, yearning, yearning....What is Yearning??
Easter Day April 1st. Day After Tribute Party
Did Brendan know?
Did he take life for granted? Yes, he did. We all do.
But our souls know what's best for our own evolution. So our souls put us through these trials, these situations, these places.
I really do feel that B is at peace finally. He wanted to give back to all his friends. His friends were so very important to him!!
I've always been trying to put myself in Brendan's shoes so that I could understand him.
The reason we all loved him is the same reason we had problems with him.
What I couldn't do for you while you had a human body, I will do for you now. You need only let me know in whatever way you can, what you need. What you would like me to do and your friends to do. I am going to a make a conscious effort to listen for your messages as much as I can.
Since I was so devoted to you in life. Why shouldn't I also be in death? If there is no such thing as time, then I can do it for as long as I can on earth, if you need me to. Let me know what I can do for you. Do you know or realize now that this is still "us"; our team? I don't have to give up on my dreams, I can include you in my dreams. Just like the art I'm doing. We're doing it together.
Remember how we would come together as a team? I would take care of things while you got ready for work? Maybe it can be the same way. I can just help you so you can do your work: wherever you are. Maybe just keep it like it was when you were on earth?
4/12/18
Brendan, how can I help you wherever you are; while I'm here on earth? What can I do here for you?
Remember how I was always there to support you? You know I love you and I want to help you wherever you are. Please let me help...Goodnight, I love you.
Autumn Leaf for You...
I found this leaf and I thought of you Brendan;
and the magnificent collection of feathers you gave to me.
So I lay this leaf upon the pot that holds those feathers, in honor of you.
Brendan's Library
Wow, this library was in my dream the other night. But with Brendan in front of that little window; in a comfy chair, feet up and engrossed in reading a large leather bound book. Looking peaceful & content. He looked up at me so happily and said in a surprised voice, "Wendy!" Look, I'm reading a book! They're training me and I've got lots to study."
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From the Poet Rainer Maria Rilke dated: August 1, 1918 to his friend Sidonie Nadherny von Borutin, whose brother died suddenly: ...
