Eggshells: How Not To Move On
A Letter To Me
Sandman By Neil Gaiman
11. SANDMAN BY NEIL GAIMAN
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats at your insides and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.”
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats at your insides and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.”
This Place Is Like A Dream
Life, Death and Grief are such a confusing trio.
Dearest Corinne,
I just wanted to email you to tell you I think about you everyday and I'm grateful that you are in my life.
I had a difficult Sunday. Something just gripped me. I don't know how to explain it other than to say it was a body memory. It's like my 5 senses remembered Brendan all at once and I was aware of how very attached I was to him when he was in the physical body. I dreamt a lot about him last night but I don't remember the dreams. I'm not sure this will make sense but I do feel him in my heart. I keep wanting to find him "out there", by that I mean his spirit somewhere beyond our earth. However, I mostly feel at one with him in my heart region. I don't know what that means. I'd rather have him in the physical realm and in my heart at the same time. But now I have no choice but to continue a different relationship with him. The Grief Movement calls it "Continual Bonds".
I still hug his pillow and Trader Joe's shirt as the pillow case. After two years .I've still never washed it. I hug the pillow as I'm going to sleep and just continually whisper, "I love you Brendan, I love you. I miss you Brendan." over and over again. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to be alone in my cozy studio for hours and days so I can be alone with my thoughts of Brendan. I went into my closet where I keep my favorite items of Brendan's. The carhart jeans I bought him. The trademark t-shirts he's worn in photographs. I still have his patchouli oil that I smell every once in awhile. Although it doesn't smell exactly like Brendan. It smelled much better on Brendan's skin. Occasionally I open his breath mint tin that he used to keep crazy glue and floss in next to the mints. Kind of funny! But he always had it on him and it's so strange that it is on the Ancestral Altar instead of in his pocket. I go through his backpack to look at his belt, his chain wallet and other eccentricities that was a trademark of our Brendan.
The lock of his hair. How I loved the curls that he hated. When I go on my usual walks and hikes in the forest or beach I find a shell or feather and I bring it back and put it on the ancestral altar. Like you, I ask him to go with me for nature hikes and he sometimes leads me to interesting places that I wouldn't think of going.
Life, Death and Grief are such a confusing trio. Everything I seem to feel has no words at all. Brendan has been one of the greatest teachers of my life. I wish I didn't have to lose him to realize that.
I've attached an interesting post that I found on a grief webpage.
I love you,
Wendy
Dianne Gray
February 25 at 1:17 AM
Today is “that day,” — the one which took the life of my 14 year old son. Like most years, I sought peace by the water as the day approached, yet this anniversary year has extra meaning. It is the year that he has been dead longer than he was alive and for whatever reason, that is important...really important.
So what have I learned on this decade plus journey following the death of my child?
I’ve learned to make “nice” with my grief. It is my friend because it is rooted in my love for my son.
I’ve also learned that others may see it as a sign of distress but in truth, I now see grief as a sign of my love so it no longer disturbs me. It is as natural as the sun rising, and I’ve come to learn that the pain of the moment will subside, much as the sun sets on any given day... So even if it is uncomfortable for you to bear witness to, my grief is nothing to fear.
I’ve learned, too, that Austin’s life and subsequent death taught me and others about profound, unconditional love. Because of this journey, I allow love to flow through my heart and life, as grains of sand gently glide through my fingertips. Why? Because one cannot own love, not even the love of one’s own child, so to pretend that I own a soul, even in a body I helped to create, is not using the vision of Love that God has made available to each of us. This has impacted my personal relationships by making some sweeter, richer, and more meaningful while sending others out to sea. I’m okay with that.
Second to last, I’ve also learned that words matter....a lot ... and I simply cannot imagine living in a world where I couch my words to not include death because it is simply as much a part of life, as birth. So no, I did not lose my son. He died and today is a very special day. It is the day of his re-birth— which leads me to close with this:
I have come to believe that death is simply a shedding of one’s physical being and that the soul continues onward toward magnificence and Light, so it truly is nothing to fear. As such today is Austin’s re-birthing day. He is re-birthed in Heaven, where is he at peace and one with the One.
So Happy Re-birthing Day, sweet son. Thank you to you for all you taught me and so many others. We sure had quite the ride.💜
I just wanted to email you to tell you I think about you everyday and I'm grateful that you are in my life.
I had a difficult Sunday. Something just gripped me. I don't know how to explain it other than to say it was a body memory. It's like my 5 senses remembered Brendan all at once and I was aware of how very attached I was to him when he was in the physical body. I dreamt a lot about him last night but I don't remember the dreams. I'm not sure this will make sense but I do feel him in my heart. I keep wanting to find him "out there", by that I mean his spirit somewhere beyond our earth. However, I mostly feel at one with him in my heart region. I don't know what that means. I'd rather have him in the physical realm and in my heart at the same time. But now I have no choice but to continue a different relationship with him. The Grief Movement calls it "Continual Bonds".
I still hug his pillow and Trader Joe's shirt as the pillow case. After two years .I've still never washed it. I hug the pillow as I'm going to sleep and just continually whisper, "I love you Brendan, I love you. I miss you Brendan." over and over again. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to be alone in my cozy studio for hours and days so I can be alone with my thoughts of Brendan. I went into my closet where I keep my favorite items of Brendan's. The carhart jeans I bought him. The trademark t-shirts he's worn in photographs. I still have his patchouli oil that I smell every once in awhile. Although it doesn't smell exactly like Brendan. It smelled much better on Brendan's skin. Occasionally I open his breath mint tin that he used to keep crazy glue and floss in next to the mints. Kind of funny! But he always had it on him and it's so strange that it is on the Ancestral Altar instead of in his pocket. I go through his backpack to look at his belt, his chain wallet and other eccentricities that was a trademark of our Brendan.
The lock of his hair. How I loved the curls that he hated. When I go on my usual walks and hikes in the forest or beach I find a shell or feather and I bring it back and put it on the ancestral altar. Like you, I ask him to go with me for nature hikes and he sometimes leads me to interesting places that I wouldn't think of going.
Life, Death and Grief are such a confusing trio. Everything I seem to feel has no words at all. Brendan has been one of the greatest teachers of my life. I wish I didn't have to lose him to realize that.
I've attached an interesting post that I found on a grief webpage.
I love you,
Wendy
Dianne Gray
February 25 at 1:17 AM
Today is “that day,” — the one which took the life of my 14 year old son. Like most years, I sought peace by the water as the day approached, yet this anniversary year has extra meaning. It is the year that he has been dead longer than he was alive and for whatever reason, that is important...really important.
So what have I learned on this decade plus journey following the death of my child?
I’ve learned to make “nice” with my grief. It is my friend because it is rooted in my love for my son.
I’ve also learned that others may see it as a sign of distress but in truth, I now see grief as a sign of my love so it no longer disturbs me. It is as natural as the sun rising, and I’ve come to learn that the pain of the moment will subside, much as the sun sets on any given day... So even if it is uncomfortable for you to bear witness to, my grief is nothing to fear.
I’ve learned, too, that Austin’s life and subsequent death taught me and others about profound, unconditional love. Because of this journey, I allow love to flow through my heart and life, as grains of sand gently glide through my fingertips. Why? Because one cannot own love, not even the love of one’s own child, so to pretend that I own a soul, even in a body I helped to create, is not using the vision of Love that God has made available to each of us. This has impacted my personal relationships by making some sweeter, richer, and more meaningful while sending others out to sea. I’m okay with that.
Second to last, I’ve also learned that words matter....a lot ... and I simply cannot imagine living in a world where I couch my words to not include death because it is simply as much a part of life, as birth. So no, I did not lose my son. He died and today is a very special day. It is the day of his re-birth— which leads me to close with this:
I have come to believe that death is simply a shedding of one’s physical being and that the soul continues onward toward magnificence and Light, so it truly is nothing to fear. As such today is Austin’s re-birthing day. He is re-birthed in Heaven, where is he at peace and one with the One.
So Happy Re-birthing Day, sweet son. Thank you to you for all you taught me and so many others. We sure had quite the ride.💜
No Not Dead But Eternal
i feel so desperate for Brendan sometimes...
All I can think of is:
where did he go?
where did he go?
where did he go?
I don't want this dust
I want him!
No one prepared
me for this.
Grief is the absolute
worst of the worst.
No one has prepared
any of us for this.
We are eternal
We go away when
we die,
But no one gets
to remember
where we truly belong
It's this amnesia...
I can't remember where I belong
I can't remember where "home" is.
I wish it were easier to talk to the
dead.
And why do we keep saying: dead
No, not dead,
But eternal.
All I can think of is:
where did he go?
where did he go?
where did he go?
I don't want this dust
I want him!
No one prepared
me for this.
Grief is the absolute
worst of the worst.
No one has prepared
any of us for this.
We are eternal
We go away when
we die,
But no one gets
to remember
where we truly belong
It's this amnesia...
I can't remember where I belong
I can't remember where "home" is.
I wish it were easier to talk to the
dead.
And why do we keep saying: dead
No, not dead,
But eternal.
You Left Ground & Sky Weeping.....
mind and soul full of grief.
No one can take your place in existence,
or in absence.”
― Rumi,
Dana & Mary Ann Cushing's Fairyland Property: Brendan's Ashes
Corinne & Al took me to meet Dana & Mary Ann Cushing and walk around their property, knocking on fairy doors and looking at Cairns.
I am just saying it never really goes away..................
― Michael Lee West
Remembering Brendan's Valentine's Gift 2019
I wrote the following in response to questions on a Grief Group's FB page today.
and
I told the story to a woman who works at UCSC while we were walking to work super early this morning. She both cried and laughed at the same time and told me she had goosebumps all over her body. I was so happy to give her such a great Valentine's Day story.
Last year 2019, was my first Valentine's day without Brendan. It was the week before Valentine's Day and I had already made Brendan one of my traditional pop-up cards and bought him some gifts. Last year at this time my heart ached terribly, yet something magical happened. I came into the library an hour before opening because I was supposed to open that day. I spotted a Fresh Rose in the Lost & Found. At first, I took a double-take. I went over to the rose expecting it to be a fake, plastic replica. But it turned out to be real and very beautiful. I put it in water and set it on the circulation desk counter. It bloomed slowly over the following week and became more and more beautiful. Brendan's mom said, "See Brendan hasn't forgotten Valentine's Day." My friends and colleagues agreed. I still make Brendan Valentine's Cards, Birthday Cards, etc etc. He's become my muse.
and
I told the story to a woman who works at UCSC while we were walking to work super early this morning. She both cried and laughed at the same time and told me she had goosebumps all over her body. I was so happy to give her such a great Valentine's Day story.
Last year 2019, was my first Valentine's day without Brendan. It was the week before Valentine's Day and I had already made Brendan one of my traditional pop-up cards and bought him some gifts. Last year at this time my heart ached terribly, yet something magical happened. I came into the library an hour before opening because I was supposed to open that day. I spotted a Fresh Rose in the Lost & Found. At first, I took a double-take. I went over to the rose expecting it to be a fake, plastic replica. But it turned out to be real and very beautiful. I put it in water and set it on the circulation desk counter. It bloomed slowly over the following week and became more and more beautiful. Brendan's mom said, "See Brendan hasn't forgotten Valentine's Day." My friends and colleagues agreed. I still make Brendan Valentine's Cards, Birthday Cards, etc etc. He's become my muse.
Grief...does it pass or do you just get used to it?
“The path back to normal life is indescribably long once death has swept the feet out from under those of us who are left. Grief is a wild animal that drags us so far out into the darkness that we can’t imagine ever getting home again. Ever laughing again. It hurts in such a way that you can never really figure out if it actually passes or if you just get used to it.”
― Fredrik Backman
He would continue to exist within her.......
From:
‘Last Stop Auschwitz’ by Eddy de Wind
This is how I feel about Brendan...(switching pronouns)
“…He had her image still before his eyes. That vision would always stay with him,” wrote de Wind. “She would continue to exist within him, she would not have lived for nothing and her soul would live through him, although her body rests there in those hazy blue mountains.”
Dialogue between Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester
Months after Jane Eyre has been working as a governess for Edward Rochester's daughter he expresses his true feelings during one evening in the garden:
Edward:
"Sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. .....Especially when you're near me as you are now. ....It feels as though I had a string....tied here under my left rib where my heart is....tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion. And when you go to Ireland, with all the distance between us. I'm afraid that this cord will be snapped, And I shall bleed inwardly."
______________________________________________
This confession to Jane is similar to my own feelings for Brendan. I can say that the situation proves true. The difference was that I felt not so much that our hearts were tied together but that we were one being. That he was already a part of me. I knew that he didn't know that I was a part of him. That would have taken a very long time for him to realize. He had started to understand it only several weeks before he was killed.
He has never left me. He is always just under my skin so to speak. Not in the negative way that the phrase "under my skin" is used. Instead, It is the feeling of love and yearning and oneness I have with him. He is a part of me and I hope he always will be. When I die I so much hope I will meet him again. I believe he knows my thoughts and so he knows how much I love him.
____________________________________________________________________
At the very end of the movie, after Jane and Edward are separated for many months, Jane goes back to Edward. However, he has been temporarily blinded. He can't see her when she walks into his room but he senses someone different yet familiar.
Edward: "My brain will burst.......What illusion is this? What sweet madness?" (he touches her hands and fingers) "Her fingers, her very fingers....So many times I've dreamed of the moment. The dream vanishes and flies away. Gentle dream, kiss me before you go. "
Jane kisses him, she kneels before him.
Edward: "You will stay with me? How?"
Jane: "I will be your friend, your nurse, your companion....You will not be left alone for so long as I shall live."
Edward: "I'm no better than a ruined tree. I'm lightning-struck and decayed."
Jane: "You are no ruin, sir. You are vigorous and full of life. Plants will grow and wind around you because your strength offers them so safe a hold."
January 18, 2020 Brendan's Birthday
My FB Posts Today:
I put Brendan’s electric green bowling shirt on, and drove to the Derby Skate Park while listening to his favorite Bowie soundtrack, to visit Brendan's skateboard bench. It’s being used EXACTLY in the way he would have wanted it to be used! Wallets, keys, smokes, beer, MJ, even a green lighter! I introduced myself to the boys. I asked them if I could take a few pics because today would have been B’s 44th b-day. The guys wanted to “clean all the stuff off of it first.” NO, no, no!” I said, “this is what Brendan would have been doing on a bench like this.” They replied, “We sit on this bench every single day.” They were truly the sweetest young men!
__________________________________________________________________________________
Hello friends. Brendan would have been 44 years old tomorrow, Jan 18th. He'd probably be celebrating with his good friend Vinnie Chiarpotti (whose birthday is today). He would most likely go skateboarding, bowling and playing darts while drinking his traditional Coors beer and slowly sipping shots of whiskey. (He thought it sacrilegious to 'throw-back' a shot.) Have a toast to him this weekend. I'm not a drinker so instead I will visit his Memorial Skate Bench. I'll make his favorite food, buy his favorite TJ snacks and listen to his favorite David Bowie Soundtrack. Here are the lyrics that I think describe Brendan the best, appropriately titled: 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond'.By Pink Floyd.
Perhaps This Is The Way My Life Will End
PERHAPS THIS IS THE WAY MY LIFE WILL END
by Stuart Kestenbaum
I will find myself
walking down a hidden lane.
The spring rain
will have just ended
and I will smell the fertile earth.
I have never been
this present before.
My bones know
that I am home.
My teeth unclench.
Once I stared at a crystal bowl
dividing the light into
the unseen colors of the world.
Something is soaring
inside me or outside of me.
I can't tell which.
by Stuart Kestenbaum
I will find myself
walking down a hidden lane.
The spring rain
will have just ended
and I will smell the fertile earth.
I have never been
this present before.
My bones know
that I am home.
My teeth unclench.
Once I stared at a crystal bowl
dividing the light into
the unseen colors of the world.
Something is soaring
inside me or outside of me.
I can't tell which.
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